A Non Sequitur

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: One Act Play

Dramatis Personae: Ian, Toula, Aunt Voula, Gus, Angelo.


Scene 1: Ian is walking around New York City. He gets hungry.

Ian: Wow, I am having hunger pains! I will get my nosh on at the Dancing Zorba. That will cure my pangs.

Ian walks into the Dancing Zorba and sits down.

Toula: Hi, I’m Toula. I am nervous and fat and will be your server today. Oops! I dropped some shit!

Ian: You are very clumsy, even for a Greek!

Toula: You had me at ‘Hello’

Ian: What the hell are you talking about? I never said ‘Hello’.

Toual: Oh no! Once again I find myself in an awkward situation! Will I never find love?

Ian: Uh, okay. Anyway, 2 gyros please, extra lamb.

Toula runs back to behind the kitchen where she consoles with her aunt.

Aunt Voula: Eat something! Then have some Greek sex!

Toula: But Aunt Voula, he’s not even Greek!

Aunt Voula: Then you must eat something! Then use these roofies!

Toula: You are my favorite aunt.

Toula comes back with 2 gyros and a large drink.

Toual: Sorry about before. Here is your food. And a drink I made special for you.

Ian: That is why I come to the Dancing Zorba, for the specialness!

Ian chugs his drink. Then starts to become loopy.

Ian [slurring]: You know, for a big fat Greek bitch, you’re not so bad. I could see myself boning you. Yeah, [Ian nods] I could totally put it in.

Toula: Oh Ian! You’ve made me so happy!

Toula leans in to kiss Ian but her huge nose pokes Ian in the eye from across the table.

Ian: Oh God my eye! What happened! Jesus Christ my eye is bleeding!

Toula: Whoopsies! Good thing Aunt Voula had a plan B.

Toula pulls a frying pan out and wacks Ian over the head, knocking him unconscious.


Scene 2: Ian wakes up confused in Toula’s home where her family is obviously throwing some kind of party.

Aunt Voula: Look who woke up! Here, you must eat. Eat, eat!

Ian: Who are you? I think I was drugged.

Gus: You know the Greek invented drugs.

Ian: Okay.

Toula: Oh Dad, leave him alone. So, Ian. You know you proposed to me yesterday and now we’re going to have a big fat Greek wedding?

Ian: That would explain all these god damn Greeks. Well, okay, I guess a promise is a promise. I just hope we don’t have too many uncomfortable situations because I’m not used to all this Greek culture.

Toula: I’m sure there will be. But don’t worry, I get embarrassed about everything and I’ll probably cry at some point too. Hey here is my cousin!

Angelo: Hey Ian, we’re gonna kill ya!

Ian: Weren’t you in N’Sync?

Angelo starts sobbing and runs away. Toula sees this, starts crying and also runs away.

Gus: Ian, there is too much commotion. Why don’t you go home and rest? You have a big wedding tomorrow. The Greeks invented pederasty you know.

Ian: Yes they did, Gus, yes they did.

Ian leaves the party.


Scene 3: The next day at the church, Toula’s family begins to file in. At the alter, they see Ian’s corpse swinging from a noose.

Gus: I knew my daughter should never have tried to marry a non-Greek.

Aunt Voula: Look! Ian left a note.

Toula slowly picks up the note and reads aloud: “I’d sooner hang then spend any more time with you screaming Greek cunts. I’ll see you in hell.”

This is my most awkward moment!

Angelo: Hopah!

End.

I have no more reasons to live

this clinches it.

AVC WEEK 3 - A SCAVENGER HUNT

Since we have covered the basics - drinking/cigarettes and fatties - in the first two weeks of this contest I must now get creative and in doing so have called upon another love of mine: mustaches and mullets.

The task is simple, over the next week have your picture taken with as many people who have a mustache or a mullet. Obviously double points will be awarded if your subject has both, and trust me, people who find mustaches socially exceptable generally find mullets to be so as well and vice versa. The picture must be of the participant and the subject, not just the person with the mustache and/or mullet. In other words we need proof you did not get it off the internet or some magazine of Long Island living. Plus this forces you to converse with the person not snap some voyeristic picture.

I figure this competition is fair for all, I live in an area populated by rednecks who will no doubt be out celebrating a three day patriotic weekend with sunbathing and mass quantities of Coors Light and 10-ounce Budweiser. The 'Dosh lives in the land of the FLID, enough said in regards to mullets and facial hair, and el Pato lives in a region where not having a mustaches gets you beheaded b/c you're an infidel and the person with a mustache wants his 72 virgins God Damn it.

Points Breakdown:
Picture with a dude with a mustache: 100 pts.
Picture with a dude with a mullet: 100 pts.
Picture with a dude with a mustache & mullet: 200 pts.
Picture with a chick with either or both of these: Double points

Penalties:
Picture with dude a or chick with non-mustache facial hair: -50 pts.
Picture with a dude or chick with an incorrectly identified mullet: -50 pts.
'Dosh trying to use a pic of him and LIPV: -200 pts.

FAT CHICK KILLS HOUSE

Well it looks as though the Dosh and I will be battling for the title of 'nice guy' as Mr. Veidner seems to have built himself an unassaible lead. My meager talley for the weekend:

Friday - Party for one x 11 Nick Lachey's = 0 points
Saturday - Free veal parm at Luigi's x 6 breadsticks = 0 points
Sunday - 140lb female x 1 exchange of pleasentries = 0 points

So I was bageled. Congratulations Veidner, admirable showing Dosh. Shall we place bets on how long I can keep this up before I either a) try internet dating b) try internet prostitutes?

As with all failures, I will console myself by focusing not on how I finished but on what I learned from the experience. The lesson from this week's AVC is best illustrated below.

Fatties and trampolines do not mix. Looking forward to redeeming myself next week.

Lower Crime. Abort More Ugly Babies

"I iz well in favour of abortion, as I iz resonsible for at least 6 of dem."

http://www.freakonomics.com/2005/05/abortion-and-crime-who-should-you.html

AVC2 post to follow soon. rockyourface's contributions lately of been paltry at best. The pressure is on to respond with something good for the AVC2. Don't blow it. We will also be looking to nipponcrusher to follow up his quality challange-post with an equally satisfying results-post.

Butcher's Bill - AVC Week 1

4 Double cheeseburgers
+ 2 packs of cigerettes
+ 9 ice luges
+ 78 Beers
+ 1-0 rock paper scissors record
+ 100% kicked out of every bar I entered
+ innumerable "Fuck JP" chants
+ a heaping bounty of raptor bacon
__________________________
= DOMINATION

Since tonight is the deadline for entry and the other two contestents are far too stupid to get something posted in time, I hearby declare myself winner and undisputed champion of the Aqua Velva Challange Week 1

Who wins?
El Pato wins.

What is wrong with my baby?

Eat something, girl! God damn!

The Aqua Velva Do-It-Yourself Series Presents:

How to throw your own Roppongi Rave

Step 1: Visit the bakery.
Step 2: Put Depeche Mode's Just Can't Get Enough in your boombox.
Step 3: Crank it up.
Step 4: Watch Reruns of Dragonball Z and try to has as much fun as we are.

This is how a Roppongi Rave is done.

A More Accurate Picture of the Emu

 


Notice how red it is.

Excuse Me While I Puke

I was going to let this issue drop with just a simple reply to a previous post by Big Blogger, but the more I thought about it last night and at work today, the angrier I became. Here's the gist of it: Last Friday el Pato deleted part of a post by another contributor to this esteemed blog, vaguely calling it "dirty pool", claiming it was below the belt and saying he did not want certain people to see, even though it did not one person besides him by name. First of all, everything on this blog is below the belt, and there are countless people that I do not want to see it. Second of all, el Pato you are an extreme coward who should never be allowed to enjoy delicious Raptor Bacon again.

Then I get on here the other night to check challenge results from the weekend, only to see a post featuring a picture of el Pato with a group of women of whom the nicest thing one can say is that they represent a large portion of the world's ethnicities. I don't think pussies who are afraid of what one chick might think should go around portraying themselves as some type of international pimp.
Anyway, in conclusion, el Pato is a pussy who should do the honorable thing and commit the sacred act of sepuku.

What a real professional looks like

El Pato's Harem

Paging Dr. Phil

If there is one thing I hate, well actually I hate a lot of things, but one of them is certainly these ghey shows where some random loser or losers come on and talk about their perceived problems. You know, like "my kid who I had when I decided it would be a good to have unprotected sex, and not have the guy spray it on my tits, when I was 13, doesn't love me." Or "I am fat and no one will have unprotected sex with me, regardless of where the explosion goes, can you help me lose weight." The worst of these shows is Dr. Phil, a show hosted by a bald, fat ass texan, whose claim to fame is helping Oprah out of her jam with those ranchers. He then proceeded to milk this into regular appearances helping out the whiny whores who come onto Oprah's show, and then in the ultimate indictment of American society today, parlayed this into his own show.
Anyway, as much as I hate this fagort I do think he can help out Mr. Andruw Splay. Here's why:

Andruw does not love himself, well he actually loves himself a great deal, but that is a different kind of love, the kind that results in openly weeping in front a computer scream at both your emotional pain, and the rash you given yourself on your shaft from overuse. But I digress, Andruw does not love himself emotionally, ergo he is unable to love others, except in a hateful, cynical way, making him the biggest failure of all.

You see, Andruw views relationships as a one way street, in which he holds the power, issuing commands such as "undo my pants", "pee in my mouth" and "hook those jumper cables to my nipples." It is all about his sick, twisted gratification. This also serves to explain his fascination with corpulent women; in the struggle for power, the more he can grab the better, both literally and figuratively.

The love of Splay's life,is un-reciprocated, for his fear of initmacy keeps him from a truly emotionally satisfying relationships, that and hot chicks do not go for dudes who look like ducks and wet themeselves on type of consistant basis. Still, this morbid fascination has led Sir Andruw to take trips to bastions of fagortry such as San Francisco, La Jono & Hard-On's apartment, and Christopher Street. All such trips have ended in abject failure.

To be truly be happy Splay needs Dr. Phil's help in accepting who he is and being happy with it. Hopefully, this will lead to an end to such behaviors as calling P Diddy a pussy as he competes a marathon and commenting on how running 26.2 miles is "no big deal," telling his mom that he will no longer visit her because she does not find it acceptable for him to be drunk for 40 hours and then continue drinking his dad's beer, and most importantly an end to his raping puppies, a la Jason Kidd. Then and only then will Splay be capable of love.

The Aqua Vulva Challange: Week 1

The Aqua Velva Blog will now be hosting weekly challanges in which The Penguin, The Emu and The Duck will participate. I am issuing the first challange, maybe if the other idiots aren't too confused by the concept we can rotate the weekly admin in the subsequent weeks.

The Challange will be conducted as follows:

1) Every Friday morning the weekly admin issues a challange for the Avian Triad.
2) Contestants have up until that Wednesday to complete the challange and post their results on the blog.
3) The Admin judges on Thursday and announces the winner in a new post.
4) NO HOLDS BARRED!!!!
5) The following Friday a new challange will be issued.

I will keep it simple for the innagural challange. This week's contest: Who can sorb the most?

Now get to work, fagorts.

Two Colossal Failures

After being ripped from the collegiate teat and thrust on to an unseuspecting and illprepared world, it's hard to imagine two bigger dissapointments to society than J.P. Vito and D. "Chaz" Waggle. Let's compare and contrast.

- After graduating with the lowest GPA of the triumvirate, Veidner promtly went to work wasting Dr. Weigel's $120,000 investment by completely askewing his Broadcast Journalism B.A. and pulling a Matt Stavish. That means David went crawling back to his old high school, aka St. Mary's So. MD Catholic Trash Depository, and took up a post in the recruitment office where he put his degree to work stuffing envelopes and conducing fund raising phone-a-thons. The House of David lived at home, ogled jailbait in the halls and argued with refs at JV lacrosse games all the while deepening his cirppling nicotine dependency.

- Vittoe successfully conned the collective minds at W&L and escaped Lexington, dimploma in hand and father's earnings from driving a bus squandered. The Dosh quickly solidified his position as World's Biggest Fraud by joining the capitalist ratrace by exploiting his old boys high school almuni network, thus turning his back on the Lenninist/Marxist philosophy he so vehmently extoled in college, obviously for mere shock value. The overgrown Irish/Italian McWop continued to infest his parent's meager domicile, torturing his obese cat and smelling of garbage until he finally fled the country, much to the chagrin of buffet owners up and down the island.

It's hard to pick a victor in this battle of losers, however I think I speak for everyone when I say the real winners are the ladies of DC, who have been enjoying my good looks and charm for nearly two years now. As for the losers, besides these two clowns, I think we should also include the AIDS victims in Africa, becasue well hey, sucks for them!

Don't Get the Wrong Idea

It just dawned on me that some of you may have gotten the wrong impression about what went on at 108 Henry Street. In case that moving one act play, don't worry, act II is coming soon, was not enough to prove to you that we are not brain dead slobs who got drunk all the time and trashed the house, here is a little bit of genius that el Pato and I produced. This was actually published mother fuckers so back off.

So Great it Will Hurt Your Brain to Read.

I Have Not Been This Sad Since The Dosh Stunk Up That Couch

As was first reported on my old blog, a terrible tragedy has befallen the entertainment industry. Let this be a lesson to all of you DRUGS ARE BAD!

El Pato will now tell me this has nothing to do with Aqua Velva, but I will tell him A.) To Suck Off and
B.) That this should be considered a warning shot across the bow of the USS Dosh (USS in this case standing for "Useless Sub-human Shit")

As a subtext my old blog has been deleted, since most of it had to do with making fun of Andruw and the Dosh, I found it to be expendable.

A Fine Lesson in the Art of Analogies

While we normally leave politics to other blogs, the following, which was taken from E.J. Dione, Jr.'s Op-Ed piece in Tuesday's Washington Post, is too good to pass up:

"DeLay himself drew the line sharply the day after the 2004 elections. 'The Republican Party is a permanent majority for the future of this country,' DeLay declared. 'We're going to be able to lead this country in the direction we've been dreaming of for years.'

Grover Norquist, the president of Americans for Tax Reform and a leading figure in both the DeLay and Bush political operations, chose more colorful post-election language to describe the future. 'Once the minority of House and Senate are comfortable in their minorty status, they will have no problem socializing with the Republicans,' he told Richard Leiby of the Post. 'Any farmer will tell you that certain animals run around and are unpleasant. But when they've been 'fixed' then they are happy and sedate. They are contented and cheerful.'"

No Man is an Island

A One Act Play

It is 6:30 a.m. on a early September day. The birds are chirping, the sun is breaking over the horizon, it is the first day of school for the bastard children of New York. Tucked in nice and tight in what he wishes were a race car bed, but is actually a Hagen Daas Truck bed since they did not make race car beds big enough for him, The Dosh slumbers gently. Soon he will awaken to begin his new life as an educator.

The Dosh: (sits up quickly, startled by a loud knocking sound. Confused at first, but soon realizing the now all too familar sound he stomps downtairs and throws open a door.) Mom, I know you and Mr. Buttafuco can only re-arrange furniture when dad is out driving all the minorities around Queens on his bus, but do you have to do it now? I mean it's not like usual where I can just lie around the house all day and give myself HJ's while looking at pictures of Reddy, I have to work today.

Long Island Jane Vittoe: (wiping the sweat from her brow) Dosh, you know how your dad hates it when we re-arrange the furniture, now just go eat your usual breakfast for 3, and as for you mister (turns to Joey Buttafuco) you're not done eating.

Joey Buttafuco: Hold on there a minute, I want to talk your boy, besides its not like you're built like Amy Fisher these days. Dosh, what are you doing with yourself?

TD: Well, I am teaching "English as Second Language" classes in Chinatown. You know with my year in Japan I really gained an affinity for Eastern cultures, and Eastern poon if you know what I mean. You might want to look into it, that is if you ever finish helping my mom with the furniture.

JB: I think that's great that you are doing that with your life. You know we really need to be more tolerant of other cultures and help our immigrant friends assimilate to America better, without losing their heritage. It's nice that you are helping them out, and you're right the sideways vag never hurts either.

TD: Wow, Mr. Buttafuco I'm impressed. Don't take this the wrong way, but with your IROC, gold chains, and proclivity for 16 year olds, I figured you for some pig-headed slob who was centered on himself, just like the rest of us FLID's.

LIJ: Will both of you ass holes shut the fuck up. Dosh you go eat, Joey B. this hole is not going to fill itself, errrr, I mean we got more furniture to move.

TD: Sounds good, i'm going to go frig myself and listen to talking heads. then i will take a shower and not dry myself afterwards and not use the bathmat and get water allover the place. then i'll leave al my clothes in a big pile on the floor and then cheat on some tests.

JB: Joe, you are my favorite kid. you will be just like me one day, at least we both hope so.

LIJ: Hey, before you guys get too chummy, theres something i want you both to know.

TD: What's that Mom?

LIJ: I am a man,

We Fucked It Up

Here is the inspection report for Aqua Velva (unedited in its entirety) emailed to us by our dickhead landlord after a mere 8 months of habitation. Bold highlights have been added for emphasis.

From: L. Evans <
To: wrightjr@wlu.edu, weigeld@wlu.edu, speya@wlu.edu, vittaj@wlu.edu, walkerd@wlu.edu
Subject: revised inspection report 108 Henry Street
Sent: Wednesday, October 9, 2002 10:25 AM

108 HENRY STREET Wednesday June 5, 2002
EXTERIOR: There is a 6-panel hardboard bedroom door that was completely shattered against the front porch railing (Back left BR door). Trash and paper cups on front porch. Top section of screening has been pushed on screen door. Right br window on front porch has been sprayed with paint or Christmas Spray – clean. Back right side of house near the LR has a completely destroyed copier? And trash around (See picture). Under back porch is littered with trash. Upper portion of back porch screen door is torn. Spring closure is also missing from screen door. Back porch is filthy – pressure wash! Need to clean the gutter.
FRONT HALL: Floor is filthy – covered with beer and dirt = very sticky. Hole in right wall under stairs. Food splattered on top door trim going into the living room. Sign taped to door casing “If you are hear for the party – F… Off, This is not a joke, Do not come inside”. Small hole in left wall under the light switch as you walk in. Two small holes on left near
LR. STAIRWAY: Stairs are filthy – covered with beer and dirt. Try to clean – will probably have to repaint. Third stair tread broken on on end – re-nail/caulk/paint. Chunk out of 6th stair tread on hall end. Food on walls. Ceiling busted near livingroom. Pickets all marked up – repaint.
DOWN RIGHT FRONT BEDROOM: Padlocked. Red paint on wall above doorway. Top right panel of the door is cracked – repair, sand and repaint door. Door jam is cracked from forced entry. Building inspector and our worker told tenant not to install padlock!
DOWN LEFT FRONT BEDROOM: Door padlocked. 6-panel hardboard door has 2 holes knocked in (Picture) One has been poorly patched. Patch, sand both areas and paint the door. Building inspector and our worker told tenant not to install padlock!
LIVINGROOM: Filled with five couches lined up as though they had a large meeting there. Also several chairs. Floor is filthy. Ceiling light fixture broken – shield, knob and one bulb is missing. Large 1.5-2’ square hole in left wall as you walk in – covered with duct tape. Two other small holes in left wall above another couch. Another hole in left wall behind the “Welcome Back College Students Bud Sign”. Plastic cups on floor. Walls have many knife cuts, writing, nail and tack holes everywhere. Tomato fight? On walls. Food on wall next 110 Henry. Switch cover is gone, receptacle cover broken. Receptace on 110 side broken. Spray string on walls.
DOWN BATH: New tile floor and shower are filthy!!! Entire room needs a good cleaning. Door needs adjustment.
KITCHEN: Floor is Black from beer dirt, etc.?- replace! Floor is very sticky! Hole in wall to the left as you walk in, covered with duct tape. Refrigerator has plastic cover on water/ice disposal broken. Several hole in wall surrounding the chimney – 4 covered with duct tape. Holes in wall sraight ahead as you walk in. Cabinets, countertop, stove, refrigerator are filthy! Trash, food, etc. on countertop. Wall cabinet door to left of sink has been broken in and cracked – repair/replace as needed. Fire extinguisher is missing. Ceiling light fixture has one bulb holder broken – replace. Smoke detector is missing. Hole in ceiling to left as you walk in (next to chimney).
DOWN BACK RIGHT BEDROOM: Door was destroyed in the Spring and replaced. We now had to re-key to master. Living room wall had a large hole behind poster punched in from LR. Patch/sand/repaint. Walls one each side of entry door have small holes in walls – patch. Left wall has food or something written on wall – try to clean and repaint.
UP HALLWAY: Large hole on right side as you walk down hall. Floor is very dirty – try to clean. May have to repaint. One of the ceiling globes is busted. 2 holes behind the bath door. Hole in left wall between the last 2 bedrooms. 2 Smoke detectors missing, one has battery missing. One spindle knocked out at top. Several sections of base on wall from stairway to the front of the house have large areas of paint off – repaint. Three smoke detectors missing outside bedrooms. Three screens missing. Base trim on left at top of stairs and under double window is damaged. BB Holes and food on walls.
UP RIGHT FRONT BEDROOM: Unlocked with lots of trash and some furniture. Clean up and organize room. Hole in floor at far corner next to stairs – repair. Sheetrock seems need work – Redo as needed – no charge. UP LEFT FRONT BEDROOM: Padlocked. Door has been beat up – paint chipped off. Repair and repaint. Door has been knocked in and cracked – repair as needed.
UP MIDDLE LEFT BEDROOM: Padlocked. The door has several marks and chip spots – repaint. Door has been knocked in and cracked – repair as needed.
UP BACK LEFT BEDROOM: Door open. Looks like tenant just walked out. Sign on wall to keep all items for Andrew C. Harding. Door has been knocked in and cracked – repair as needed. Nails thru the door and bent down – appears to be for a towel rack?
UP BATHROOM: Solid wood door has been cracked. Looks like at least 2 hammer marks on outside of door and kicked from inside. Try to patch, sand and repaint. Cover on light over medicine cabinet is missing and pulled loose from the wall. Cover on ceiling fan/light is missing. Trash all around the room. Tub is VERY filthy. Entire room needs a good cleaning. Latch damaged – won’t stay shut. Base trim to left of tub is broken. Screen and screw on section of sink gaucet is missing. Many nail holes
EXPENSES: $
155.00 Rough clean trash (inside/out)
132.50 Replace/paint 6-panel bedroom door – down back BR
18.50 Replace screen on front door
16.00 Repair back screen door
45.00 Pressure wash both porches
84.50 Repair holes in walls – 3 coats/sand
125.25 Clean interior – Reduced from
225.25 for plaster dust left after having to redo up right front bedroom
325.00 Repaint common areas
192.50 Refinish hall and livingroom floors
172.70 Damage to kitchen linoleum
94.50 Repair bedroom doors and jams
8.00 Replace 8 light bulbs
18.00 Replace livingroom light fixture
2.00 Replace 2 switch/receptacle covers
7.25 Replace broken receptacle
12.00 Repair kitchen cabinet door
18.00 Replace fire extinguisher
36.00 Replace 6 smoke detectors – Reduced from
54 for 2 less smoke detectors
28.45 Replace kitchen ceiling light fixture
$ 1,491.15 TOTAL DAMAGES = $ 248.53
Each DEPOSITS: $ 480.00 Walker Deposit Paid (Returning) $ 480.00 Spey Deposit Paid (Returning) $ 240.00 Wright Deposit Paid (Returning) $ 240.00 Vitta Deposit Paid (Returning)
$ 1,440.00 Total Deposit Paid

Former Residents of AV

Much like the Indian who picked off the weak Buffalo, or booze killing off the uneeded brain cells, the el pato, el penguino and el 'Dosh eliminated those that were a cancer to 108 Henry.

La Jono 

Major Peters 

Tiny Danzler 

Whilst gazing upon Vitta's homely visage, I am reminded of a Yeti's pale testicle

While the is no more appropriate word than epic to describe El Pato v. El Pinguino, it truely is the undercard to the earthshattering main event: Vitta v. Motivation

Probably the laziest slob in the known universe, the giant red panda known as the Dosh has tussled with this formidable opponent on many occasion; invariably the loser to Motivation's triumph. Although the Dosh has the power of Dollar Store 'Tussin on his side and a proclivity for women with sideways vagies in his corner, if there is one thing Vitta will never overcome, it is his inability to get off his fat fucking ass and do anything.

The last time Vitta attempted to tackle his longtime adversary, it went down as follows...

Combatants: Prostrate Vitta with Spanish language MTV at full volume vs Neophyte Christopher Lins and a cup of cold water serving as Motivation's proxy.

Round 1: Little Man Lins empties liquid contents of said vessel onto Vitta's large mass of human waste that is his flesh. Vitta has no response.

Round 2: Little Baby Lins unecessarily flees in terror as Vitta finally musters the strength to not get up and give chase but only to bellow the following riposte to no avail, "I'm trying to lie down!!!"

Round 3: No returning salvo by Motivation or it's proxy need be fired, as Vitta is already thoroughly defeated and resigned to slump back on the couch looking the destitute (and now sopping wet) mendicant as always.

Winner by KO, Motivation, who is once again able to thwart the Dosh's futile attempts at being something other than sub-human slime. Vitta is consoled by a 12 pack of Jimmy Dean Sausages and 4 gallons of gravy.

He Loves Marshmellows

All former Velva residents agree: FIRE MIKE CERINO

A Fagort in the Wild

This is a picture of a fagort was taken circa 1975, you can tell because of the shitty quality of it. Soon after this picture was taken the person in it disapeared. Rumor has it that he ran off with his ghey lover and they now live at a nude beach in Brazil. If you see this man, protect your anus at all costs. He looks like a duck. 

The Dosh

Just take a look at this stupid clown. Earlier the night before vitta was
brandishing a bag of wine and screaming at people to drink its contents, saying that it was the recently consecrated blood of christ. We made no new friends this weekend. 

In case you're a moron, and chances are you are, this is at the Canal Street subway station in New York. The 'Dosh is so cleverly covering the 'C' so its says something dirty. This type of sophomoric humor makes me laugh really hard.

A Word of Introduction

This blog was born out of the minds of three great men, well two great men, and one giant red head who we invited along for the ride. Anyway, we three guys lived together for two glorious years in the Shanendoah hamlet of Lexington, Virginia, in a humble little shit hole of an abode on 108 Henry Street. It was the best two years of our lives, I mean we are talking non-stop pools or beer and vast fields of hole. But i digress, the long and the short of it is that we are bored at work and want something to do, so here you go. I hope you like it, if you don't, suck off.