AQUA VELVA

A Salute to 108 Henry Street.

Name:
Location: NOVA, HELL

I mostly walk around in 80's Hair Band tee-shirts with sleeves cut off. I found this goes well with my mustache and black Jordache jeans. I also drive a late-model mini van.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Fantasy Sports Team Names

how clever my fellow roto-team managers are.

League: Balls (MLB)
RollinsPhillyBlunts
diggies wiggies
www.juniorspivey.com
Tiny Dancers
Luke Atmyas
Pirate Baseball
F A R T H A M R
NickEsaskyHighlight
Caress My Body
Dominasian
John Basedow FC
Jersey Pipelayers

Leauge: Beer For Breakfast (MLB)
VanSlyke's Whiteness
g00b pisto1s
Scuzi! Mi Scuzi!
Groundhog Hunters
F A R T H A M M E R
The Flesh Missles
ThePerimeterOfWisdom
Munshi Thugzz
New Blood Soldiers

Leauge: Balls (NFL)
Beavers
www.wheresbutch.com/
Bubb Rubb and Lil Si
West Fart Ham United
Leather Pennies
John Basedow FC
Luke Atmyas
ReturningVideoTapes
Shattered Hymans
el degros
I Know McGrane
Tiny Dancers

League: Sunday Funday (NFL)
Meatballs
Trouser Snakes
Guitar Star
John Basedow FC
The Upper Deckers
Inhuman Rampage
The Scum Guzzlers
Tase it my Fart Ham
Munshi Thuggzz XVII
Groundhog Hunters
Team DragonForce

Friday, July 21, 2006

Fear and Trembling and Robocop

It has been two years since Farthammer's last preformace, and Robocop was getting bored.

"What is it that I shall do with myself today?" Robocop asked himself.

Knowing that as a dickless cybog he couldn't simply idle away his time frigging himself off to Cinemax OnDemand, even though he did pay for that extra in his cable package. Instead, Robocop decided he would flip through the OnDemand music channels in hopes that something would ignite his fancy.

After several aborted efforts in the hip-hop category, Robocop found what he was looking for. The band was DragonForce and the song was Through the Fire and the Flames and Robocop's experience was transcendant.

Robocop immidiately googled DragonForce and found that they indeed were fan-fucking-tastic and that also they were in the midst of a European tour.

"The Band Dragonforce is perhaps the only band that can shred it thier guitars as hard or as fast as my band Farthammer once was to rock out. " Robocop thought to himself. "The double bass drum blows away that which is one of the last organic parts of my body and is my mind."

It didn't take long for Robocop to make up his blown mind and travel to see DragonForce's next preformance. He blasted out of the roof of his house with his rocket jets and flew all the way to Trevesio, Italy, and got their just in time to see DragonForce start the first set of their Inhuman Rampage World Tour.

But even before the first lick of Herman Li's thrashing solo Robocop knew soemthing was wrong. It some became appearant that something was more than wrong, it was Robocop's worst nightmare realized. It was the Mezzogiorno.

Robocop's greatest weakness is exposure to the culture of Southern Italians, and forwhatever reason, Niapoltians and Sicilians were flocking to the Veneto region to see the same show as Robocop.

Overcoming this nightmare scenario wasn't easy, but Robocop formulated a plan that would solve his problem. He would exterminate every last single one of the sleasy dago greaseballs.

Reaching for his gun, Robocop suffered his second terror of the day. His gun was missing. Not wanting to countenance the subhuman slime surrounding him any longer than absolutely necessary, Robocop quickly retraced his steps to the last time he had seen his gun.

"Ah ha! It was to my ex-bandmate and former lead guitarist of Farthammer to which this gun's possesion was last given. From he who is the guitarist known as P.P. Pylman is from where I shall next extract it my gun," Said Robocop and he rocketed back to the USA.

Robocop burst into P.P. Pylman's bedroom where he found him frigging himself to Nickolodeon OnDemand.

"How is it that you have done what has happened?" Robocop asked.

"Oh, you probably mean your gun that I borrowed 2 years ago after our last show. Well look, I didn't even use it," said P.P.

"So?" asked Robocop.

"So nothing happened to it. Besides, I forgot to give it back to you."

"So?"

"So, I can get it back to you. It's just been missing for 2 years and I never told you about it. Big Deal! God, what is your problem?"

"Your complete lack contrition flys in the face of common decency is it my problem. Also a problem for me is your inability to admit you fucked it up like an idiot. For these crimes you will taste it what a real Farthammer is."

Robocop than grabbed the scrawny P.P. by the neck and placed him his head between his legs face up.

"What are you going to do, fart on me? You don't even have a real butt!" said P.P.

Then Robocop crushed P.P.'s head into oblivion with his thighs, grabbed his gun and spirited back to Italy.

Robocop was still able to watch the entire second half of the DragonForce show and murder 30,000 Italians.

"This was a day of perfection," Robocop said to himself. "Nearly perfection."

Friday, July 14, 2006

and just cause i'm still bored...

TITS!

not safe for work.

Sports Blogs are for FAGORTS

Look at this actual quote from a prominant sports blog:

"For that post you should be banned. Never would I want someone like that wearing my team's jersey representing my passion. Disgusting. "

What??? My passion?!?! You want to represent MY PASSION?!?!?! No one represents my passion without my permission!!!!! Do you here me?!?! NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best. Onion. Article. Evar.

this has to be a world record for must bad puns per sentence.

Mmmmmmmmmadagascar

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Mid Term Report card for Aqua Velva Fantasy Baseball League

F A R T H A M M E R: A+
Although screwed by injuries, Team Farthammer has been the class of the league and is universally expected to be eventual champion. Now that the perceived blunder of placing All Star game starter Brad Penny on waivers can be reviewed as a magnanimous gesture to those less competant at drafting in the league, the legend of Farthammer's grace grows.

Van Slyke's Whiteness: A-
Incredibly lucky draft backed by shrewd waiver pick ups obviosuly aided by some gay roto service you pay $20 a month for. Would have been a solid A but I blame Pittsburgh and you by proxy for all the stupid shit that happened during the All Star game including Hoffman's boner.

Goob P1stols: A-
You have reaped the rewards of percistancy and tenacity. You also have been the best at updating your smacktalk regularly, although more often than not it is less than intimidating. The question remains if you will be able to sustain an assult on Polena's until now impregnable pearch atop the leaderboard now that you have a job and can no longer commit 8 hrs a day to the league.

Sczui Mi Scuzi!: B+
A lack of respect and a surplus of pride has kept you from challanging the "Big Three" teams who are currently ahead of you. Blaming autodraft for your slow start was also a cause for a drop in grade. What's next, you couldn't make a roster move in time because a Hurrican destoryed your South Florida home? Time to smarten up, Joe, smarten up.

Groundhog Hunters: B-
It just goes to show that jagging off to clips of Redskins mini camp on Comcast Sports Net doesn't help in Fantasy Baseball. Maybe if you sepnt less time dreaming about sharing a jail cell with Sean Taylor and more time trying to actually know something about baseball you wouldn't have such a horrible team.

PerimeterOfWisdom: C
I think we all expected better from our moneyballin' comissioner. The brightside, Kamil, is that your team has the most upside potential. Plus if there's anyone who will figure a way to cheat and win, it has to be you.

Flesh Missles: D
Keene leads the league in roster moves yet still sucks. Fucking pathetic. Also, Sand Diego Padre superfans such as yourself are held partly responsible for the All Star game horsehit. Finally, regarding team names, double entandres are out, blatancy is in.

Munshi Thugz: Incomplete
A man who runs his own sports book while in college does not have the bad a performance unless he isn't trying. For someone who is literally a career student at the University of Maryland, you haven't been going to class much. I'll see you in summer school, Farhan.

New Blood Soilders: F-
A complete and total failure and not worthy of critical assement, suffice to say current Triple A second baseman Anderson Hernandez is still in your starting lineup. Please kill yourself and Fireman Ed in a lovers' suicide pact.

Monday, July 10, 2006


enough of this stupid dago wop pride. look how great david wright is. he knocked in 15 ding dongs in the 1st round of the home run derby AND dropped 2 curse words. i hope derek jeter is watching the derby right now and crying that he will no longer be plowing the hottest tail in new york city anymore, as david wright is going to go on a poon slaying rampage. Posted by Picasa