AQUA VELVA

A Salute to 108 Henry Street.

Name:
Location: NOVA, HELL

I mostly walk around in 80's Hair Band tee-shirts with sleeves cut off. I found this goes well with my mustache and black Jordache jeans. I also drive a late-model mini van.

Monday, February 27, 2006

OLYMPIC POOL FINAL STANDINGS

Schlubens - 136
Basedows - 100
Asians - 96
Hammers - 90
Penguins - 82
Babies - 0


And it's the Uben Schlubens in a landslide!

Congratulations Slubbies and enjoy your chicken dinner. Detailed analysis to follow.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Day 13.5

Cheaters - 114
Basedows - 86
Hammers - 80
Asians - 78
Penguins - 74
Babies - 0

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Day 12

The battle for 2nd place heats up as Apu make a move.

Nazis - 110
Normans - 73
Frogs - 73
Impiralists - 72
Commies - 61
Poopies - 0

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Poor Form Schlubens

Trash talk from Team Deutchland:


Mein Penis ist im ganzen Land am meisten höher. Meine Bälle sind rot, klumpig und herum. Ich werde meinen Weg mit allen Frauen im Olympischen Dorf haben, als die Spiele beendet werden. Ich werde meinen Samen in jeder Kluft von Turino ausbreiten.

Ja, Ja, Ja. Scheißen Sie oh!

[My Penis is higher in the whole country at most. My balls are red, clotted and around. I will have mine way with all women in the olympic village, when the plays are terminated. I will spread my seeds in each gap of Turino. Yes, shitting it oh!]

Day 11

In the words of Tim Duncan, this 'competition' is now "basically retarded".

Krauts - 102
Vikings - 64
Yanks - 64
Guidos - 60
Canucks - 58
Assholes - 0

Day 10 Update

What the fuck!? One weekend of laspsed coverage and it turns into a runway?!

Well, I guess it's true what they say: you'll never go wrong with the German's on your side.

Schlubens 92
Hammers 62
Basedows 59
Asians 58
Penguins 56
Babies 0

Friday, February 17, 2006

Day 7

Slow day for medals so lets take the time to review the constiuent nations of our great teams (except for JB's, his team is abominable)

1)Schlubens - 53
Germany
Austria
Netherlands
Spain
Australia
Ukraine
Slovakia
Turkey
DPR Korea
Venezuela
Argentina
Albania
Brazil
Kyrgyzstan

2)Hammers - 50
Norway
Sweden
China
Denmark
Estonia
Belgium
Latvia
Lithuania
Serbia-Mont.
Macedonia
New Zealand
Georgia
Ethiopia
Chile

3)Basedows - 46
United States
Switzerland
Finland
Great Britain
Poland
Kazakhstan
Romania
South Africa
Iran
Israel
Ireland
Armenia
Nepal
Kenya


4)Penguins - 38
Italy
Russia
Czech Rep.
Croatia
Belarus
Slovenia
Bosn.-Herz.
Mongolia
Hungary
Uzbekistan
Luxembourg
Portugal
San Marino
Liechtenstein

5)Asians - 35
Canada
France
Korea Rep.
Japan
Bulgaria
Iceland
Greece
Hong Kong
Azerbaijan
India
Chinese Taipei
Pakistan
Thailand
Lebanon

6)Babies - 0
Madagascar
Andorra
Bermuda
Algeria
Mexico
Peru
Monaco
Senegal
Tajikistan
Morocco
Virgin Islands
Moldova
Cyprus
Vatican City

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Norwegians rule the universe

look how great norwegians are despite the adversity they are facing in stupid italy.

Great Just Fucking Great

I'm actually losing points today. Fucking Commie Whore.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Day5

1) Slayer of Cady Heron - 39 norwegian team got the bird flu
1) Essen Meine Scheisser - 39 homoerotic double luge domination
3) Flipperhands - 30 - waiting for male figure skating glory
4) Total Body Workout - 29 Bode Miller still sucks
5) Ping Pang Joe's Eggrolls - 19 never recovered from WWII
6) Junior Leauge - 0 absolutely embarassing

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

An Interesting Question

Below is a link to story concerning NY Jets quarterback Chad "I Tore My Labrum Not Once, but Twice While Giving Dudes Reach-Arounds" Pennington. In the interests of summarizing and not posting copyrighted material, I will summarize:

The Jets would like Chad to renegotiate his contract because a) He sucks and has not won shit, and; b) he throws like a girl due to the above-mentioned shoulder issues.

Normally I could not give two fucks about Chad and the Jets, but I am interested in seeing whom the Jets fans side with when Chad does not want to take a pay cut. Why, you ask, simple, most Jets fans are both queer and union workers, although the two are certainly not mutually exclusive. And I seem to recall over the holiday season these same Jets fans wanted to continue to be over-paid for work that was not being done at a very high level. Some (see Vidosh, Paul) and workers of his ilk even went on strike, hurting millions of hard working Americans*, and those Jets fans who did not stike, supported those who did. So my question is this: Will those same Jets fans support the continued over-paying of someone who does an at best mediocre job and earns wages he does not deserve, or will they prove to be the hypocrites I think they are and turn on Chad?

*Note - These hard-working Americans were most likely Giants fans.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/5331514

Day 4

The scores as read by Italiophile Dick Ebersol:

1) Il Martello di Isebella Lohan - 35
2) Pinguinos - 29
3) I Peni Supremi - 28
4) Olympico Associazione di Giovanni Basedow - 24
5) Signori Gialli - 16.
6) Bambino Piccolo - 0

Monday, February 13, 2006

Day 3 Olympic Pool Update

February 13, 2006
Turin, Italy

After 3 days of riviting action at the Games of the XX Winter Olympiad, the race for the chicken dinner couldn't be off to a more exciting start.

The leaderboard is topped by the Margravate of the Penguin with 23 points, followed by The Hammer of Thor/Lindsay Lohan who have 21 points. The John Basedow Olympic Club is in the middle of the pack with 20 points. Staying close to the leaders is Der Uben Schlubens who are keeping their Tuentonic Tide rolling with 18 points. Team Dominasia is further back with 14, while JB's Little Baby Squad is at the botom with a pitiful 0 points.

The Penguins were boasted by a stong Day 3 preformance by the Russians and the Hammers managed to stay close with a suprising showing from their Baltic contingent, who were not expected to be much of a force at these games. The JBOC must be a little nervous despite 4 gold from their Americans, as several of the USA's top athletes of recently succombed to injuries before their event finals. And while Team Dominasia are not dominating anything at the moment, there are still many events yet to be contested here in Turin. That really doesn't matter for the Baby Squad, however, as they are a pathetic bunch of losers and should honestly leave the sporting events to those who actually know what they are doing.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The third and final part of the tale of two brothers*

at the wedding between Beaueua and the Veronica the fatty fat tone, Jonas, Baeoau's brother cried because it was so nice. The buffet was also spectacular and Bo feasted on a triple decker frito pie while getting a smooth handy from his new bride under the table.

after the honeymoon, during which bo's knob was schlobbed countless times, bo and jonas met up for a beer.

at the bar, bo thanked jonas for helping him realize that Caroline was an annoying puta and that his destiny lied with Vartronica of the fatlands. he was so happy that he gave jonas thousands of his own dollars to go visit Evelyn in Alabama again.

Joans thanked him and then left to call Evelyn and say he was coming down to visit her. Jonas made it clear during the phone conversation, though, that he was only coming to alabama to get some serious bonage. full penetration was the least he would accept. just trying the tip would not cut it.

Evelyn acquiesed and Jonas flew down. He exploded in her for many many times. it was a sexytime conflagaration.

Evelyn, of course, fell fast in love and begged Joans to marry her. Jonas thought about for a while and finally decided to instead fufill his life long dream and started a space colony. Evelyn was demoralized and turned into a lesbian.

The End

*If at any time in the future a part 4 or larger number part is written in this series, that part should be considered apocraphyl and not part of the cannon. also the person would try to commuit such a libelous act is also someone who probably collects ziplock bags filled with his own farts.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Per Bobby's Request, Some More Appropriate Names for New Jersey:

-IROCistan
-Long Island's Half-Tard Cousin
-Philly & NYC Fingercuffs
-Land Where Bon Jovi is Still Relevant

Thursday, February 09, 2006

part 2

months later Bo and Jonas we talking.

Bo: hey i'm still pissed about what you said about that fat bitch i plowed.

jo: i know, you bring it up every 5 fucking seconds.

bo: thats because i want you to feel responsible for me not boning that other girl, whats her face.

jo: oh, so you admit that it actually was not big deal and you just keep bringing it up because you sniff buttholes for fun?

bo: i do sniff buttholes. and of course its not a big deal. theres no way in hell what you said had any effect on me and whatsherface's relationship. also i boned that fat bitch because secretly i love her and i want to have like 10 thousand of her babies.

jo: i knew she was perfect for you. why dont you get married?

thats is when bo flashed his hand and showed off a ring. "i bought one for that fatty as well," bo said.

"but bo, that is an onion ring," said jo.

"do you forget that we are both fatty fatty fat fats?" reminded bo.

"oh yeah," jo said.

and bo and jo remained brothers thru out time and space.

Brothers in Arms, A Short Story

DISCLAIMER: The Following is a work of fiction, any likeness to actual persons is purely coincidental and an accident.

Jonas and Beau were brothers, born two years apart is the mid-1980's, they were the sons of good stock, and as close as most brothers can expect to be. Jonas, the older of the two, entered a typical small town Alabama in the fall of 1998. A good athlete he made many friends quickly on the JV football team, and in school in general. Around the winter of his freshmen year, Jonas fell hard for an attractive young girl in his class. Evelyn was a cheerleader, and cosequently, she ran in the same crowd as Jonas - the football, cheerleading, kings of the school crowd, that still prevails in simple places like Alabama.

Unfortunately for Jonas, Evelyn was dating Max,a wide receiver on the football team. Though not as smart or funny as Jonas, Max seemed to have some type of hold on Evelyn. The fact that they ran with the same crowd was particularly hard on Jonas, as he often had to hang out at parties with the two of them. And when Jonas would go to see Evelyn in her cheeleading competitions, always as "friends" of course, he would more often than not sit and converse with Max, and the other members of the football team who were fortunate enough to have girlfriends. Outwardly Jonas was nice and friendly towards Max, who being the usual simple Alabaman, was too slow to see that underneath Jonas burned with raw hatred for him.

Beau, still a seventh grader when his brother entered high school, was also a popular, smart athletic youth. Very quick on the uptake, Beau was able to see how deeply it hurt his brother to not have his affections for Evelyn returned. Anytime he would bring it up to Jonas, either in private or in the context of a group conversation, Jonas would bristle and tell Beau to shut the fuck up. Eventually Beau gave up trying to help his brother see the light, and instead make fun of what a pathetic, fake son of a bitch his brother was around Evelyn. This too resulted in frequent "Shut the fuck ups" and the occasional physical confrontation.

In the fall of 2000, Beau entered Paul "Bear" Bryant Memorial High School, where Jonas was now a junior, and still deeply in love with Evelyn. Even though he would infrequently hook up with random chicks, of varying physical appearance, the worst kept secret in the school was Jonas' unrequited love for Evelyn. Making the varsity football team as a freshmen, Beau was immediately thrown in with the "kings of the school" crowd. As the lone freshmen on the football team, Beau was forced to drink copius amounts of booze at post-game parties, and as a result often hooked up with the fat upperclassmen chicks who were desperate to be filled by a varsity football players, but whom none of the upperclassmen would touch with a 10 foot pole. Though ashamed of some of his so-called "conquests", Beau generally laughed it off when his classmates would rib him about it, and would then smarlty point out that he was getting felated while his fellow freshmen were getting nothing but rashes on their cocks from all the dry riding they did. Still, high school life was good for both of the brothers.

During the summer of 2001, the boys father, Patrick, was transferred to Michigan as a result of a General Motors plant closings. As a manager Patrick was still needed by the company, but could not stay in Alabama and keep his job, so the family moved to Michigan. The move was especially hard on Jonas. One of the smarter kids at his school in Alabama, he was now looked upon as a dullard. While most of his classmates were taking AP classes, he was placed in junior level classes. Worse still, even though he was a stater on the football team, people laughed at him when he wore his letterman's jacket. When he tried to make a joke, mostly by quoting some 5 or 6 year old movie, people would laugh at him, not with him.

The biggest problem of all, of course, was that he was far, far away from his beloved Evelyn. He would often email her and then not here back from her for days, and then when she would write back, he would become excited and giddy like a school girl. Beau was disgusted by this behavior, especially when waiting to use the family computer to jerk off, but by this time he knew better than to say anything.

Unlike his brother, Beau faired well in Michigan, he was smart and clever in any state, and excelled in school and at making friends. Soon after starting school, Beau fell hard for one of his female classmates, Caroline. Caroline was very hot, and unlike most girls, Beau found it very easy to talk to. Although they occasionally hung out, Beau soon discovered that Caroline had a boyfriend named Ray at another school. Though he talked to Caroline every day and frequently hung out with Ray and Caroline, he, like his brother before him, burned with a deep rage for Ray.

For all his success in Michigan, Beau fell once again fell victim to his biggest vice and temptation, fat chicks, or more accurately, the combination of fat chicks and alcohol. The situation was similar to the one in Alabama, Beau would get drunk as shit at parties and then hook up with the fat chicks left waddling around the party at the end of the night. Unlike in Alabama, however, Beau wished for these moments of weakness to be kept quiet, especially around Caroline, for fear she might not look kindly upon him or his activities.

Then, one Monday morning in February, after a particularly drunken weekend, during which he had slipped and hooked up with a fat chick whom he had also hooked up with the first weekend of the school year, Beau walked into school, oblivious to the truck that was about to hit him. Walking with Jonas down the main hallway to his locker, Caroline came up to him and asked him how his weekend was. Preferring not to divulge what really had happened, Beau casually answered, "you know got real fucked up, passed out on the floor, woke up Saturday morning wanting to kill myself, nothing big."

"Cool," she replied, "anything else cool happpen?"

"Not really, just gave my dog a bath on Sunday afternoon"

"Yeah, and you stuffed Veronica," Jonas blurted out.

Shocked at his brother's insensitivity and stupidity, Beau first reaction was to punch Jonas right in his big head. He held back, however, knowing that it would like he had feelings for Caroline if he did. Quickly regaining his compusure, Beau calmly responded.

"No, shit head, that was over labor day weekend, one time moment of weakness."

"Liar," Jonas continued right on digging the hole, "I was looking for a bed Friday and walked in on you while you were mid-thrust."

Knowing that Jonas was too much of a retard to figure out what he was doing, Beau cut his losses.

"Yeah, well bad things happen to good people, and its not like I even knew my name at that point." He then walked to his first class.

Seething all day, Beau rode home with Jonas after lifting for football.

"Why did you do that?" Beau asked incrediously,

"Do what?

"Tell Caroline about me and Veronica"

"That, it's not like that was big deal"

"It is a big fucking deal, I asked you not to tell her one thing, one thing only, I don't care if she knows about the dipping, the sereal masturbating, whatever, just not that ONE THING."

"Whatever man," Jonas responded, his mind diverted my a sweet IROC passing them.

"Fuck off dude, it was bad enough that you told her, but then you fuck it up more when I tried to cover my ass. All that time I kept my mouth shut about Evelyn, especially up here, where you were trying to find new chicks to bone, and then you go and do this. You're a fucking prick. By the way, have fun going to Alabama to hang with Evelyn this weekend, faggot."

EPILOGUE:
Jonas did go to Alabama the following weekend. She had since broken up with Max, so he figured he had a chance. He hung out at that Winter Dance with Evelyn and watched her dance with a bunch of other dudes. That night he cried himself to sleep.

THE END

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Citius, Altius, Fartius

5 titans of the sports gambling industry have decided to bet on the 2006 Winter Olympics. Each person will be represented by 14 nations and each person wins points based on how many medals their countries win. 3 points for gold, 2 for silver and 1 for bronze. The winner will receive $100 cold hard cash and a chicken dinner.

The teams are:
The Hammer of Thor*
The John Basedow Olympic Club
Der Uben Schlubens
Dominasia
The March of the Penguin**

Updates to follow.

*'Thor' represents Lindsay Lohan, implying Spae's team is the one who hammers her.
**The March refers not to an ambulatory cadence but to a territorial buffer zone, specificallyVeedner's belly.