A Non Sequitur
My Big Fat Greek Wedding: One Act Play
Dramatis Personae: Ian, Toula, Aunt Voula, Gus, Angelo.
Scene 1: Ian is walking around New York City. He gets hungry.
Ian: Wow, I am having hunger pains! I will get my nosh on at the Dancing Zorba. That will cure my pangs.
Ian walks into the Dancing Zorba and sits down.
Toula: Hi, I’m Toula. I am nervous and fat and will be your server today. Oops! I dropped some shit!
Ian: You are very clumsy, even for a Greek!
Toula: You had me at ‘Hello’
Ian: What the hell are you talking about? I never said ‘Hello’.
Toual: Oh no! Once again I find myself in an awkward situation! Will I never find love?
Ian: Uh, okay. Anyway, 2 gyros please, extra lamb.
Toula runs back to behind the kitchen where she consoles with her aunt.
Aunt Voula: Eat something! Then have some Greek sex!
Toula: But Aunt Voula, he’s not even Greek!
Aunt Voula: Then you must eat something! Then use these roofies!
Toula: You are my favorite aunt.
Toula comes back with 2 gyros and a large drink.
Toual: Sorry about before. Here is your food. And a drink I made special for you.
Ian: That is why I come to the Dancing Zorba, for the specialness!
Ian chugs his drink. Then starts to become loopy.
Ian [slurring]: You know, for a big fat Greek bitch, you’re not so bad. I could see myself boning you. Yeah, [Ian nods] I could totally put it in.
Toula: Oh Ian! You’ve made me so happy!
Toula leans in to kiss Ian but her huge nose pokes Ian in the eye from across the table.
Ian: Oh God my eye! What happened! Jesus Christ my eye is bleeding!
Toula: Whoopsies! Good thing Aunt Voula had a plan B.
Toula pulls a frying pan out and wacks Ian over the head, knocking him unconscious.
Scene 2: Ian wakes up confused in Toula’s home where her family is obviously throwing some kind of party.
Aunt Voula: Look who woke up! Here, you must eat. Eat, eat!
Ian: Who are you? I think I was drugged.
Gus: You know the Greek invented drugs.
Ian: Okay.
Toula: Oh Dad, leave him alone. So, Ian. You know you proposed to me yesterday and now we’re going to have a big fat Greek wedding?
Ian: That would explain all these god damn Greeks. Well, okay, I guess a promise is a promise. I just hope we don’t have too many uncomfortable situations because I’m not used to all this Greek culture.
Toula: I’m sure there will be. But don’t worry, I get embarrassed about everything and I’ll probably cry at some point too. Hey here is my cousin!
Angelo: Hey Ian, we’re gonna kill ya!
Ian: Weren’t you in N’Sync?
Angelo starts sobbing and runs away. Toula sees this, starts crying and also runs away.
Gus: Ian, there is too much commotion. Why don’t you go home and rest? You have a big wedding tomorrow. The Greeks invented pederasty you know.
Ian: Yes they did, Gus, yes they did.
Ian leaves the party.
Scene 3: The next day at the church, Toula’s family begins to file in. At the alter, they see Ian’s corpse swinging from a noose.
Gus: I knew my daughter should never have tried to marry a non-Greek.
Aunt Voula: Look! Ian left a note.
Toula slowly picks up the note and reads aloud: “I’d sooner hang then spend any more time with you screaming Greek cunts. I’ll see you in hell.”
This is my most awkward moment!
Angelo: Hopah!
End.
Dramatis Personae: Ian, Toula, Aunt Voula, Gus, Angelo.
Scene 1: Ian is walking around New York City. He gets hungry.
Ian: Wow, I am having hunger pains! I will get my nosh on at the Dancing Zorba. That will cure my pangs.
Ian walks into the Dancing Zorba and sits down.
Toula: Hi, I’m Toula. I am nervous and fat and will be your server today. Oops! I dropped some shit!
Ian: You are very clumsy, even for a Greek!
Toula: You had me at ‘Hello’
Ian: What the hell are you talking about? I never said ‘Hello’.
Toual: Oh no! Once again I find myself in an awkward situation! Will I never find love?
Ian: Uh, okay. Anyway, 2 gyros please, extra lamb.
Toula runs back to behind the kitchen where she consoles with her aunt.
Aunt Voula: Eat something! Then have some Greek sex!
Toula: But Aunt Voula, he’s not even Greek!
Aunt Voula: Then you must eat something! Then use these roofies!
Toula: You are my favorite aunt.
Toula comes back with 2 gyros and a large drink.
Toual: Sorry about before. Here is your food. And a drink I made special for you.
Ian: That is why I come to the Dancing Zorba, for the specialness!
Ian chugs his drink. Then starts to become loopy.
Ian [slurring]: You know, for a big fat Greek bitch, you’re not so bad. I could see myself boning you. Yeah, [Ian nods] I could totally put it in.
Toula: Oh Ian! You’ve made me so happy!
Toula leans in to kiss Ian but her huge nose pokes Ian in the eye from across the table.
Ian: Oh God my eye! What happened! Jesus Christ my eye is bleeding!
Toula: Whoopsies! Good thing Aunt Voula had a plan B.
Toula pulls a frying pan out and wacks Ian over the head, knocking him unconscious.
Scene 2: Ian wakes up confused in Toula’s home where her family is obviously throwing some kind of party.
Aunt Voula: Look who woke up! Here, you must eat. Eat, eat!
Ian: Who are you? I think I was drugged.
Gus: You know the Greek invented drugs.
Ian: Okay.
Toula: Oh Dad, leave him alone. So, Ian. You know you proposed to me yesterday and now we’re going to have a big fat Greek wedding?
Ian: That would explain all these god damn Greeks. Well, okay, I guess a promise is a promise. I just hope we don’t have too many uncomfortable situations because I’m not used to all this Greek culture.
Toula: I’m sure there will be. But don’t worry, I get embarrassed about everything and I’ll probably cry at some point too. Hey here is my cousin!
Angelo: Hey Ian, we’re gonna kill ya!
Ian: Weren’t you in N’Sync?
Angelo starts sobbing and runs away. Toula sees this, starts crying and also runs away.
Gus: Ian, there is too much commotion. Why don’t you go home and rest? You have a big wedding tomorrow. The Greeks invented pederasty you know.
Ian: Yes they did, Gus, yes they did.
Ian leaves the party.
Scene 3: The next day at the church, Toula’s family begins to file in. At the alter, they see Ian’s corpse swinging from a noose.
Gus: I knew my daughter should never have tried to marry a non-Greek.
Aunt Voula: Look! Ian left a note.
Toula slowly picks up the note and reads aloud: “I’d sooner hang then spend any more time with you screaming Greek cunts. I’ll see you in hell.”
This is my most awkward moment!
Angelo: Hopah!
End.
posted by Anonymous | 7:54 PM
1 Comments:
please don't hate on my renegade skillz.
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