Paging Dr. Phil

If there is one thing I hate, well actually I hate a lot of things, but one of them is certainly these ghey shows where some random loser or losers come on and talk about their perceived problems. You know, like "my kid who I had when I decided it would be a good to have unprotected sex, and not have the guy spray it on my tits, when I was 13, doesn't love me." Or "I am fat and no one will have unprotected sex with me, regardless of where the explosion goes, can you help me lose weight." The worst of these shows is Dr. Phil, a show hosted by a bald, fat ass texan, whose claim to fame is helping Oprah out of her jam with those ranchers. He then proceeded to milk this into regular appearances helping out the whiny whores who come onto Oprah's show, and then in the ultimate indictment of American society today, parlayed this into his own show.
Anyway, as much as I hate this fagort I do think he can help out Mr. Andruw Splay. Here's why:

Andruw does not love himself, well he actually loves himself a great deal, but that is a different kind of love, the kind that results in openly weeping in front a computer scream at both your emotional pain, and the rash you given yourself on your shaft from overuse. But I digress, Andruw does not love himself emotionally, ergo he is unable to love others, except in a hateful, cynical way, making him the biggest failure of all.

You see, Andruw views relationships as a one way street, in which he holds the power, issuing commands such as "undo my pants", "pee in my mouth" and "hook those jumper cables to my nipples." It is all about his sick, twisted gratification. This also serves to explain his fascination with corpulent women; in the struggle for power, the more he can grab the better, both literally and figuratively.

The love of Splay's life,is un-reciprocated, for his fear of initmacy keeps him from a truly emotionally satisfying relationships, that and hot chicks do not go for dudes who look like ducks and wet themeselves on type of consistant basis. Still, this morbid fascination has led Sir Andruw to take trips to bastions of fagortry such as San Francisco, La Jono & Hard-On's apartment, and Christopher Street. All such trips have ended in abject failure.

To be truly be happy Splay needs Dr. Phil's help in accepting who he is and being happy with it. Hopefully, this will lead to an end to such behaviors as calling P Diddy a pussy as he competes a marathon and commenting on how running 26.2 miles is "no big deal," telling his mom that he will no longer visit her because she does not find it acceptable for him to be drunk for 40 hours and then continue drinking his dad's beer, and most importantly an end to his raping puppies, a la Jason Kidd. Then and only then will Splay be capable of love.