Mayonannons Get an AWESOME New Bat!

September 28, 2005
Arlington, VA

A non-descript brown box was deliveried to the steps of 3125 North 9th Street today that changed the history of the Mayonnaise Cannons forever.

The ASA approved Easton CYCLONE 4000, the king of all softball bats, was inside that box and from then on it would be joining the Mayonnaise Cannons and their quest for Arlington Softball domination.

The CYCLONE 4000 is hard and smooth. It has a commanding pressence in the dugout and a flashy yet aesthetically designed barrel. It's slender, comfortable grip belies the massive power contained within it's 30 ounces of weight and 32 inches of length. It is a champion's bat crafted by artist's hands, perfected after thousands of years of development and research. It is beyond a masterpiece.

Mayonnaise Cannon Quartermatser and Chief of Procurement, Andruw Spae, recounts the magnificent bat's purchase: "I was driving down Route 1, thinking about how fucking great my softball team is, when I saw a sign for Dick's Sporting Goods. Right after that I saw a sign for BJ's Wholesalers, and after that a sign for Siemen's Furniture Store. 'How amazing,' I thought, 'to see those three signs in a row.' And they were in the perfect order too: Dick's, BJ's and Seimen's. That makes sense right? Those stores should line up so that you have Dick's, then a BJ's and then Siemen's, right? Because it only makes sense if you have a Dick's coming before a BJ's. No, wait, maybe it should be the way around. Dick's should come after a BJ's and Siemen's just going all over the place. Right? Man I'm confused.

"Anyway, I stopped in Dick's and checked out the bats, and that's when I saw the Cyclone 4000, in all her radiant glory. Now a bat of this quality is literally worth more than the earth, but I didn't get to be the Head Chef of Procurement by impulse shopping. That's when I went on the Internet and downloaded asian porn. No! I mean bought the bat for 36 bucks! Who said porn? What? Dammit!"

The Cyclone 4000 may prove to be too much bat for some of the Mayonannons' self-proclaimed heavy hitters however, such as little baby David Weegle the Paralegal.

"That's right, my name rhymes. So what? Wanna fight about it?"

When asked about why he wouldn't take such a fine specimen of bat such as the Cyclone 4000 to the batter's box, Weegle responded with contrition, "What can I say, I'm a failure. First of all, these flabby little penguin fins I call arms can't even lift it. Secondly, I just feel much more comfortable using our other wimpy bat made for women, instead of the Cyclone 4000, which is made for real men. Because let's face it, I haven't been a real man my entire life. I can hardly claim to have ever even been a real boy."

Said team captain and fellow wuss-bag David "Roy" Keane, "Because of the Cylone 4000's arrival, this Wednesday will go down as the most significant and treasured day in Mayonnaise Cannon history."

The Cannons lost twice that day to the Blue Pencils by a combined score of 26-8.

SPAE'S CURRENT THEME MUSIC

uh-oh, here we go. turn up, the radio.

Fuck the Dirty Dawgz

blah blah -

The Mayonnaise Cannons were beaten twice by a bunch of pathetic dickwads who called themselves the Dirty Dawgz. No one cares and everyone wants to quit.

Popular alternatives to playing next week posited by several Cannons include getting drunk, watching tv, drunk driving and hitting each other in the face.

A glimmer of hopes exists in the form of a new 30 oz. bat ordered by the benched shortstop. Fuck JP.

Avast! Mayonannons Plundered, Pillaged and Raped by Team Darwin

September 19, 2005
Arlington Co -

Arrrrrrrrr! Today be the day that ye be knowing that the scurvy scum known as the Mayonnaise Cannons were made to walk the plank by the villianous landlubbers, Team Darwin.

No man was spared and now the Cannons be playing all their future games in Davy Jones' Locker.

Said Captain David "One Slanted Eye" Keene, "Twas not a pretty sight watching me team get keelhauled. No amount of grog will be help me forget this day."

Firstmate David "Bilge Breath" Viegel added, "Yaaaar! I've got seamen on my poop-deck!"

The Mayonnaise Cannons be freebooting next Wednesday against the the Dirty Sea-Dawgz.

Mayo Cannons Find Yet Another Team That Sucks Worse Than Themselves

Arlington, VA
September 7, 2005

The Mayonnaise Cannons extended their winning streak to 4 games with another double header sweep, this time against 507 Crew.

It was a series that saw, among other things, team captain Dave Keeeene finally established himself as the staff ace and the debut of the newest Mayonnannoner, Fletchdog.

"It was a great day for humanity," said utilityman Riffdogg. "Also I make 200 hundred thousand dollars a year."

The Cannons did not escape the series unscathed however, as their injury list grew by two members. Catcher Hunter Higginson suffered a thigh wound after getting attacked by the foul line on her way to first base, though many in the Cannon's dugout suspect a booby trap was planted by Team 507.

"I swear if I had been packing heat to the game like I usually do," said Hunter after her fall, "I would have made all those fuckers pay."

Former firstbaseman David Veedner was also scratched from the lineup, his injury being officially listed as "an extreme case of having a stupid buttface." After crying about his stupid baby butthead for hours, Veedner was told he would be making a rehab stint with The Mayonnaise Cannons Triple A farm team in Manassas, which seem to placate the tantruming overgrown baby man.

"Really?" Said David after hearing of the plans. "That's great, I love Manassas. Specifically, I like to be in Manassas. Honestly, I LOVE being in Manassas. The more time I spend in Manassas the better. I think my favorite thing to do in the world is to find Manassas and just spend hours massaging and rubbbing my face all over Manassas."

When asked how it was possible to massage and rub a suburban town in Northern Virginia, Dave responded, "There's a town called man asses?"

The MC's now look forward to their next match against Team Darwin. Commenting on her team's chances was power hitting thirdbaseman, Emily "Biggie" Small, "Obviously we are going to win two more games. I mean, who's better than us? Who? Well I'll answer the fuckin' question for you, bro. Fuckin' no one, that's who."

 

 

 

 

In case you were wondering, this is a photo of what happens when a complete moron tries to pour a margarita. Notice how there is as much margarita on the table as there is in the glass. Nice going Vidosh, those were $25 pitchers, you ass. 

Dress like a champion, play like a champion. 

Mayonnannons Explode all over Accenture's Face in Doubleheader Sweep

Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Arlington, VA

The Mayonnaise Cannon franchise recorded it's first victories ever in a surpising sweep of the overmatched and outclassed Accenture Tigers. The Cannons started both games with big early innings and then held off the Tigers' comebacks down the stretch.

The Tigers, without former W&L varsity uberathlete Brian Gladyz, were left a gooey mess after the Cannons' bats' erupted with multiple streams of penetrating hits. The offensive outburst was almost all for naught, as the Tigers battled back to within 1 run in the second game after the MC's premature climax.

"That's never been a problem for me in the past," said team captain and lazy piece of shit, David Keane. "Honestly, ask the Ra, I always finish strong."

Disgusted by his captain's lacadaisical efforts on the field and in the sack, Matt "The Intimidator" Ogle decided to take matters into his own hands by rallying the team around his now trademark head first slide into third base. Though entirely uneccessary from a strategic point of view, the Cannons galvanized around Ogle's hustle.

"That was the most absurd thing I've ever seen in a game of softball," said outfielder Brendan Malone, who also made some nifty plays in left.

Providing the good luck charms (and obligatory female participants) to previously omnidefeated Mayo Cannons were recent additions Hunter and Tyler. The two ringers lived up to their jock-sounding first names by providing the extra spark needed to take down the Accenture Tigers.

"That was revenge for Enron," said Tyler at the post game team dinner. "Next time I hope they think twice before conducting massive accounting fraud. God I hate those fuckers."

Hunter was similarly pleased with the results. "Uh no, this is Liz King, you got us confused again," said Hunter.

Elite thirdbaseperson and clean-up hitter Emily Small summed up the team's emotions regarding their current two game winning streak: "Basically I think we're just lucky. Though not as lucky as this guy considers himself."

The Mayonnaise Cannons look to extend their streak next Wednesday with another two games against Team 507.