Mayonannons Get an AWESOME New Bat!
September 28, 2005
Arlington, VA
A non-descript brown box was deliveried to the steps of 3125 North 9th Street today that changed the history of the Mayonnaise Cannons forever.
The ASA approved Easton CYCLONE 4000, the king of all softball bats, was inside that box and from then on it would be joining the Mayonnaise Cannons and their quest for Arlington Softball domination.
The CYCLONE 4000 is hard and smooth. It has a commanding pressence in the dugout and a flashy yet aesthetically designed barrel. It's slender, comfortable grip belies the massive power contained within it's 30 ounces of weight and 32 inches of length. It is a champion's bat crafted by artist's hands, perfected after thousands of years of development and research. It is beyond a masterpiece.
Mayonnaise Cannon Quartermatser and Chief of Procurement, Andruw Spae, recounts the magnificent bat's purchase: "I was driving down Route 1, thinking about how fucking great my softball team is, when I saw a sign for Dick's Sporting Goods. Right after that I saw a sign for BJ's Wholesalers, and after that a sign for Siemen's Furniture Store. 'How amazing,' I thought, 'to see those three signs in a row.' And they were in the perfect order too: Dick's, BJ's and Seimen's. That makes sense right? Those stores should line up so that you have Dick's, then a BJ's and then Siemen's, right? Because it only makes sense if you have a Dick's coming before a BJ's. No, wait, maybe it should be the way around. Dick's should come after a BJ's and Siemen's just going all over the place. Right? Man I'm confused.
"Anyway, I stopped in Dick's and checked out the bats, and that's when I saw the Cyclone 4000, in all her radiant glory. Now a bat of this quality is literally worth more than the earth, but I didn't get to be the Head Chef of Procurement by impulse shopping. That's when I went on the Internet and downloaded asian porn. No! I mean bought the bat for 36 bucks! Who said porn? What? Dammit!"
The Cyclone 4000 may prove to be too much bat for some of the Mayonannons' self-proclaimed heavy hitters however, such as little baby David Weegle the Paralegal.
"That's right, my name rhymes. So what? Wanna fight about it?"
When asked about why he wouldn't take such a fine specimen of bat such as the Cyclone 4000 to the batter's box, Weegle responded with contrition, "What can I say, I'm a failure. First of all, these flabby little penguin fins I call arms can't even lift it. Secondly, I just feel much more comfortable using our other wimpy bat made for women, instead of the Cyclone 4000, which is made for real men. Because let's face it, I haven't been a real man my entire life. I can hardly claim to have ever even been a real boy."
Said team captain and fellow wuss-bag David "Roy" Keane, "Because of the Cylone 4000's arrival, this Wednesday will go down as the most significant and treasured day in Mayonnaise Cannon history."
The Cannons lost twice that day to the Blue Pencils by a combined score of 26-8.
Arlington, VA
A non-descript brown box was deliveried to the steps of 3125 North 9th Street today that changed the history of the Mayonnaise Cannons forever.
The ASA approved Easton CYCLONE 4000, the king of all softball bats, was inside that box and from then on it would be joining the Mayonnaise Cannons and their quest for Arlington Softball domination.
The CYCLONE 4000 is hard and smooth. It has a commanding pressence in the dugout and a flashy yet aesthetically designed barrel. It's slender, comfortable grip belies the massive power contained within it's 30 ounces of weight and 32 inches of length. It is a champion's bat crafted by artist's hands, perfected after thousands of years of development and research. It is beyond a masterpiece.
Mayonnaise Cannon Quartermatser and Chief of Procurement, Andruw Spae, recounts the magnificent bat's purchase: "I was driving down Route 1, thinking about how fucking great my softball team is, when I saw a sign for Dick's Sporting Goods. Right after that I saw a sign for BJ's Wholesalers, and after that a sign for Siemen's Furniture Store. 'How amazing,' I thought, 'to see those three signs in a row.' And they were in the perfect order too: Dick's, BJ's and Seimen's. That makes sense right? Those stores should line up so that you have Dick's, then a BJ's and then Siemen's, right? Because it only makes sense if you have a Dick's coming before a BJ's. No, wait, maybe it should be the way around. Dick's should come after a BJ's and Siemen's just going all over the place. Right? Man I'm confused.
"Anyway, I stopped in Dick's and checked out the bats, and that's when I saw the Cyclone 4000, in all her radiant glory. Now a bat of this quality is literally worth more than the earth, but I didn't get to be the Head Chef of Procurement by impulse shopping. That's when I went on the Internet and downloaded asian porn. No! I mean bought the bat for 36 bucks! Who said porn? What? Dammit!"
The Cyclone 4000 may prove to be too much bat for some of the Mayonannons' self-proclaimed heavy hitters however, such as little baby David Weegle the Paralegal.
"That's right, my name rhymes. So what? Wanna fight about it?"
When asked about why he wouldn't take such a fine specimen of bat such as the Cyclone 4000 to the batter's box, Weegle responded with contrition, "What can I say, I'm a failure. First of all, these flabby little penguin fins I call arms can't even lift it. Secondly, I just feel much more comfortable using our other wimpy bat made for women, instead of the Cyclone 4000, which is made for real men. Because let's face it, I haven't been a real man my entire life. I can hardly claim to have ever even been a real boy."
Said team captain and fellow wuss-bag David "Roy" Keane, "Because of the Cylone 4000's arrival, this Wednesday will go down as the most significant and treasured day in Mayonnaise Cannon history."
The Cannons lost twice that day to the Blue Pencils by a combined score of 26-8.
posted by Anonymous | 7:58 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home