J00 4r3 NO+ 1337 !ph jOO C@|\|N0T |2e4|) +|-|I5

M4TTH3W: 0g13 is teh 133735t11111111, b0w t0 m3 n00bz0rz

4NDR3W: 0g13 i5 +eH 5u[K. 5p3y r001z0rz, 0g13 ])r001z0r5!!!!!!1eleventyone111 R3kO9nIZ3 /\/\y 1337 5k!115 j00 L4m3z0rz

D4V1D: yU 9Uy5 4r3 80+h 105z0r5

4NDR3W: #3y Wi39e1, tH5i 1z j00: "What does thirteen thirty-seven mean?" HAH$H4H4h4h$H!!!!111!!1! PWN3D

M4TTH3W: 57ø1* 4(71/\/9 50 #19# 4/\/]) /\/\19#7¥ 1 P\/\/N20(r)2 j00!!1111!!11111!

D4V1D: 74573 17 51*3¥, ])035 17 74573 L1k3 1*001* 4/\/]) 1*33 1/\/ ¥0U(r) /\/\0u+#????? P\/\/N20(r)2 j00!!1111!!11111!

M4TTH3W: 53l*`/'5 l*4113773 !5 4\/\/45# \/\/!7# 7#3 ])!57!/\/(7 4l20/\/\4 0l= l*00l* 4/\/l) l*33!!11111!!!!11 l*\/\//\/3])!!111!!!!!11111 600]) \/\/0l2k ])4\/3!!111!!!11

4NDR3W: '//3@< £337§¶34l{ π00l*20®2 ¿00 807# ¢4 /V 5(_)¢X0rZ ‡7 /'\'/ @55#013

M4TTH3W 4ND D4V1D: \/\/3 c0nc31+ d34f34+. U w1nz0rz.

Latino Protest

One of the many demonstrations protesting the proposed immigration reform bills in Congress marched by my office window this morning. While I have no problem with the protests, per se, I do think some of the banner slogans, held by mainly Latino high school students, went a little too far. I saw for example:

"WE ARE NOT CRIMINALS"

"JUSTICE FOR IMMIGRANTS"

"SHIT ON CONGRESS"

"LATINOS > WOPS "

"HEY BUSH, YOU CAN BUILD A FENCE AROUND MY DICK RIGHT AFTER YOU SUCK IT, YOU FAGGOT."

NCAA Basketball Blog - Duke v. LSU

- Misty Brady is really hot, her husbad's forehead - getting bigger daily.

- Greg Paulus really is a little queer, he did the right thing in choosing to play basketball at Duke, he fits in perfectly with the rest of the white nancy boys they have.

- LSU's cheerleader's are infinitely hotter than Duke's collection of un-hot Asians and nerds.

- This game would have been over long ago if LSU could make free throws, but the lead is now five. Great play by Big Baby - he missed the 2nd foul shot and grabbed his own rebound. Duke obviously just expected the refs to bail them out like them did in the first FSU game and the BC game, but these are not shitty ACC refs, and they don't but Coach K's crap.

- Watching Redick lose and suck in his last game makes me happy, also mitigates the sting of picking Duke in my office pool where I re-pick, I had LSU in my all the way through pool, which I am in the first in.

- My buddy Oglevy, who like Duke has not said shit for the last 5 minutes, typical baby Duke fan.

-Final Thoughts: JJ Redick is the Peyton Manning of basketball, might be a nice player with gaudy stats, but ultimately a loser. Actually, that is unfair to Peyton, JJ won't be shit in the pros, think Trajan Langdon or whatever other loser Dukie you want. Hee'll be lucky to be a poor man's John Paxson. The only thing that could have made this game better, besides me having the stones to stick with LSU, is a shot of some little Duke fan crying like after Maryland beat them in the ACC finals 2 years ago. Oh well, we can't have it all.

Addendum: Between the games they went back and did highlights from the game and they showed some chick crying after the game. Not as good as a 5 year old boy in a Duke hat, but it will work.

AQUA VELVA CHALLENGE: LOSER'S DINNER

The AVC returns for a competition of gastronomic true depravity.

Loser's Dinner is a pathetic culinary tradition that originated during Metallica's early struggling period, when Lars Ulrich would brag about subsisting on "bologna-on-hand-sandwiches" which he called Loser's Lunch. It is a source of pride for the single, lame, ugly and destitute people who have neither the time, money nor dignity to bother to cook themselves a decent meal.

The goal of this AVC is to be the most loser by eating the worst dinners. A Loser's Dinner is judged by a single criterion: the worse the meal the greater the score. After 7 consecutive Loser's Dinners, whoever has eaten the most poorly is deemed the winner.

There are several difining characteristics of a Loser's Dinner and also many things that disqualify a meal from Loser's Dinner eligibility. Once Loser's Dinner status has been established, bonus points are awarded or subtracting for scoring purposes. The rules and points are meant to be flexible.

To be considered a Loser's Dinner, one's meal should:

- have as little nutritional value as possible.
- be eaten out of the box or otherwise have the absolute minimal preperations required.
- only be heated with a microwave. A stove or oven can never be used. A toaster can be used sparingly. A toaster oven is pushing it.
- come from a fast food restaurant only if all items are ordered from the value menu.
- never be served to you. If you have a waiter, it's not a Loser's Dinner.
- not be too tasty. If you're spening time making sure it tastes good then you're caring far too much.
- illicit pity from those who watch you eat.

Bonus points include but are not limited to:

+1 less than 3 food groups represented
-1 all 4 food groups present
+1 disposal silverware, plates and drinking vessals
+1 for each component that comes from a supermarket's generic brand
-1 for each item that comes from Whole Foods
+1 eating something frozen that is supposed to be heated (or at least thawed)
+1 leaving off condiments normally associated with a food (ex. dry toast)
-1 adding any seasoning, including salt
+1 eating in front of the television
+5 eating in front of a computer while playing World of Warcraft

Other rules and points should be welcomed amendments as long as they are in the spirit of the competition. And finally, as an immutable law, having your girlfriend prepare a meal gets you barred from the competition completely. Seriously, what are you trying to do, rub it in? Fucking jerk.

Butt Whole Foods

As a primer to the forthcoming Aqua Velva Challange: Loser's Dinner, I present this remonstration of Whole Foods, scourge of the Loser's Dinner.

Tell me Butt Whole Foods, how does it taste? Does it taste like poop and pee in your mouth!?!

Raymond Curto: DEAD

Eugene Pontecorvo: DEAD

Slobodan Milosevic: DEAD

Tony Soprano: ?????

Time to Cash In

Might as well use all that free pub from the Sean McGrane show to showcase some Aqua Velvan talent. Since the current spike in readership is populated undoubtedly by people who already heard the Olympic Pool Wrap Up broadcasted in REAL TIME, I'll just do a run down of the team final scores again, one last time, only this time enhanced by my PUMPED UP GIS SKILLZ!

6th place

5th place

4th place

3rd place

2nd place

1st PRIZE

And while we still have you here, how about a couple of samples from our 'best of' files...

"I was driving down Route 1, thinking about how fucking great my softball team is, when I saw a sign for Dick's Sporting Goods. Right after that I saw a sign for BJ's Wholesalers, and after that a sign for Siemen's Furniture Store. 'How amazing,' I thought, 'to see those three signs in a row.' And they were in the perfect order too: Dick's, BJ's and Seimen's. That makes sense right? Those stores should line up so that you have Dick's, then a BJ's and then Siemen's, right? Because it only makes sense if you have a Dick's coming before a BJ's. No, wait, maybe it should be the way around. Dick's should come after a BJ's and Siemen's just going all over the place. Right? Man I'm confused."

and we'll close with...

Hairy Pooter: and the Scocerer's Bone

Hairy had been living a normal life with humans until it is realized the scar on his left testicle means he is a master coxman capable of boning all the women in the world. He is wisked away by a bunch of naked flying babes who he then has sex with.

At the Hogballs Academy of Fucking, Hairy learnes to screw in positions he'd only dreamt of. He also learns to weild his magical dong bone with extraordinary passion.

Hairy's rivals, Vaginamort and Malfart, are vanquished when Hairy explodes their scrotums in a titanic match of Queefitch. Hairy celebrates by having a threesome with his friends, Hugemiones and Rod. The part of Rod is to be played by Tara Patrick.