THE KILLING OF MAN

by Andruw Spae (with critique by Joshwah Jaycubs)

Dramatis Personae: Jake Jacobstein, Dandy Spray

Scene1: a street sidewalk

JJ: Hello, Dandy. [HMM, THIS CHARACTER APPEARS TO BE VERY SMART AND FUCKABLE FROM THE OUTSET]
DS: Hello, Jay Jay. [INTERESTING USAGE OF THE "DOUBLE NAME CALL", I HAVE A FEELING THIS GUY IS IN THIS PIECE FOR COMIC RELIEF, TO BE LAUGHED AT NOT WITH]
JJ: Enough with the banal pleasantries, I need to speak with you.
DS: Is it regarding the last script I sent you?
JJ: Please, those of us in the business call them 'treatments.' [YES I WAS CORRECT, THIS CHARACTER DEFINITELY GETS ALL THE CHICKS]
DS: Oh, sorry.
JJ: Don't apologize just yet, you've got a lot more to be sorry about.
DS: What do you mean? [DANDY MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE LOSERS WHO TOOK LATIN IN HIGH SCHOOL]
JJ: SILENCE!
DS: ...
JJ: It's difficult to know where to start, so I'll try to be brief, you wrote a piece of ass. [JJ IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW]
DS: ...
JJ: It is nothing short of a hunk of buttocks. A dumper, a crapper, a pooper, a fucking shit covered gluteus maximus!
DS: You forgot tochis and derriere.
JJ: Excuse me? Was that supposed to be a joke? Don't you know you're talking to the KING OF COMEDY?! [THIS GUY IS RATHER CONFIDENT YET HUMBLE, I BET HE HAS A 9 INCH DONG BUT ONLY RESERVES IT FOR THE MOST WORTHY OF BABES]
DS: My apologies, I didn't realize I was in the presence of comedic royalty. [WHAT A DRUNKARD]
JJ: You're god damn right, I AM COMEDY! I fucking invented slapstick and the knock-knock joke. I went on a worldwide tour with stand-up legend Cleave Broffbiter. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!
DS: ... So, do you have any tips for the play?
JJ: Yes, try not to lead with punch-line. You want to save it for last.
DS: Oh, why thank you. Anything else?
JJ: YES, KILL YOURSELF.
DS: Okay, if you say so. I'm sure tomorrow would've sucked anyway.
[Dandy proceeds to choke himself to death. Jake watches contently.]
JJ: I AM A KILLER OF MAN! [NORMALLY I WOULD SAY THAT THE USAGE OF THE TITLE IN THE SCRIPT IS CLICHE AND LAME, IN THIS CASE HOWEVER I FEEL JJ'S USAGE OF IT IS WISE AND RESONATES WITH THE AUDIENCE]
The End

THIS STORY SHOWS PROMISE, ESPECIALLY WHEN COMPARED TO YOUR PREVIOUS WORKS. IT IS CATCHY AND TAKES AN UNEXPECTED YET THOUGHTFUL TURN AT THE END AS JJ SUGGESTS SUICIDE TO DANDY. I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE WRITING OF THIS NATURE. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CREATING A SPINOFF USING JUST THE JJ CHARACTER?

PLOT: B
WIT: B
WORD CHOICE: A-
JJ CHARACTER: A++