For Consideration by Vivid Video: A Motion Picture

Hairy Pooter: and the Scocerer's Bone

Hairy had been living a normal life with humans until it is realized the scar on his left testicle means he is a master coxman capable of boning all the women in the world. He is wisked away by a bunch of naked flying babes who he then has sex with.

At the Hogballs Academy of Fucking, Hairy learnes to screw in positions he'd only dreamt of. He also learns to weild his magical dong bone with extraordinary passion.

Hairy's rivals, Vaginamort and Malfart, are vanquished when Hairy explodes their scrotums in a titanic match of Queefitch.

Hairy celebrates by having a threesome with his friends, Hugemiones and Rod. The part of Rod is to be played by Tara Patrick.

WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, X-TINA?

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/20/aguilera.wedding.ap/index.html

damn.

What I Did in Istanbul

- Marveled at the Aya Sofya's splendor
- Marveled at the Hotel Ilkay's squalor
- Haggled for a T-Shirt at the Bizaar
- Yelled at innumerable annoying stray cats
- Ate lots of authentic Turkish food like shish kabob
- Took real nasty shits shortly thereafter
- Got denied entry to a club because of the color of my skin
- Was granted entry to a transvestite bar by accident
- Drank lots of beer measured by the cubic centimeter
- Got mistaken for being Dutch over 2 dozen times
- Abstained from shaving for a week
- Abstained from sex for a week (and counting)
- Walked barefoot through an enourmous mosque
- Walked barefoot and topless and bottomless through a Turkish bath
- Enjoyed "Happy Hours" at a Will Smith's Wild Wild Western themed saloon
- Listened to an aggressive street vendor's sales pitch of "Socks! Do you know how much?"
- Listened to an aggressive resauranteur's sales pitch of "Yes please! Chicken, fish, beer, wine, very best restaurant!
- Watched a friend completly fail at growing facial hair
- Watched a friend read an entire Harry Potter book
- Experienced the many cultural attractions found at the historical juncture between two continents and cultures, and mocked them
- Watched the Turkey lose a World Cup Qualifing soccer match
- Quoted Da Ali G show in two different continents on the same day
- Watched hardcore Turkish ponorgraphy on a 7 inch TV in the hotel room
- Was in a cab while it got in an accident in the middle of crossing the Golden Horn
- Took a cruise up the Bosphorus Strait, climbed a 1500 year old Byzantine fortess and watched the sun set over the Black sea
- Killed many, many, many dead Muslim men in due course of my personal Holy Christian Jihad

THE KILLING OF MAN

by Andruw Spae (with critique by Joshwah Jaycubs)

Dramatis Personae: Jake Jacobstein, Dandy Spray

Scene1: a street sidewalk

JJ: Hello, Dandy. [HMM, THIS CHARACTER APPEARS TO BE VERY SMART AND FUCKABLE FROM THE OUTSET]
DS: Hello, Jay Jay. [INTERESTING USAGE OF THE "DOUBLE NAME CALL", I HAVE A FEELING THIS GUY IS IN THIS PIECE FOR COMIC RELIEF, TO BE LAUGHED AT NOT WITH]
JJ: Enough with the banal pleasantries, I need to speak with you.
DS: Is it regarding the last script I sent you?
JJ: Please, those of us in the business call them 'treatments.' [YES I WAS CORRECT, THIS CHARACTER DEFINITELY GETS ALL THE CHICKS]
DS: Oh, sorry.
JJ: Don't apologize just yet, you've got a lot more to be sorry about.
DS: What do you mean? [DANDY MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE LOSERS WHO TOOK LATIN IN HIGH SCHOOL]
JJ: SILENCE!
DS: ...
JJ: It's difficult to know where to start, so I'll try to be brief, you wrote a piece of ass. [JJ IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW]
DS: ...
JJ: It is nothing short of a hunk of buttocks. A dumper, a crapper, a pooper, a fucking shit covered gluteus maximus!
DS: You forgot tochis and derriere.
JJ: Excuse me? Was that supposed to be a joke? Don't you know you're talking to the KING OF COMEDY?! [THIS GUY IS RATHER CONFIDENT YET HUMBLE, I BET HE HAS A 9 INCH DONG BUT ONLY RESERVES IT FOR THE MOST WORTHY OF BABES]
DS: My apologies, I didn't realize I was in the presence of comedic royalty. [WHAT A DRUNKARD]
JJ: You're god damn right, I AM COMEDY! I fucking invented slapstick and the knock-knock joke. I went on a worldwide tour with stand-up legend Cleave Broffbiter. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!
DS: ... So, do you have any tips for the play?
JJ: Yes, try not to lead with punch-line. You want to save it for last.
DS: Oh, why thank you. Anything else?
JJ: YES, KILL YOURSELF.
DS: Okay, if you say so. I'm sure tomorrow would've sucked anyway.
[Dandy proceeds to choke himself to death. Jake watches contently.]
JJ: I AM A KILLER OF MAN! [NORMALLY I WOULD SAY THAT THE USAGE OF THE TITLE IN THE SCRIPT IS CLICHE AND LAME, IN THIS CASE HOWEVER I FEEL JJ'S USAGE OF IT IS WISE AND RESONATES WITH THE AUDIENCE]
The End

THIS STORY SHOWS PROMISE, ESPECIALLY WHEN COMPARED TO YOUR PREVIOUS WORKS. IT IS CATCHY AND TAKES AN UNEXPECTED YET THOUGHTFUL TURN AT THE END AS JJ SUGGESTS SUICIDE TO DANDY. I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE WRITING OF THIS NATURE. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CREATING A SPINOFF USING JUST THE JJ CHARACTER?

PLOT: B
WIT: B
WORD CHOICE: A-
JJ CHARACTER: A++

Q: What's the first thing Vida asks a girl he's interested in having sex with?

A: How much will this cost me?

And then there's this classic routine:

Why is Aspirin small, smooth and white?

Because if it were fat, lazy and red it would be Vida!