Thing Not to Do In Arlington When You're Red

1) Get there at 2:30am because you whacked off while watching Memoirs of a Geisha with your mom.

2) Pass out 4:00pm the first day you are there, before one of the only two people who actaully want to see you is not back from work.

3) Try to impress people at the sushi place by pointing out that you know the difference between Koreans and Japanese, like anyone gives a flying, slanty-eyed fuck.

4) Take 20, I repeat T-W-E-N-T-Y, caffeine pills at one time.

5) Pull a huge wad of shit-smeared toilet paper out the crapper when the plunger is a foot away.

6) Not drink on New Year's Eve, leave the bar at 12:15am, and completely ignore a girl who totally wants your hogan, then use the excuse that she is not asian, when the real reason is your a pussy and in a union so you are used to having things given to you that you do not deserve and then bitching that it is not enough.

7) Steal your host's hot new Ford Focus, when he still asleep b/c he was a man and got into the black zone on NYE, and lose his cigarette lighter, thereby decreasing the Kelly Blue Book value by at least $5, or $4 more than your life is worth.

8) Challenge Nallsy-Pooh to a football knowledge contest.