CSI: Crunk Scene Investigators
Sorry for the miserable pun, but it's the best my miserable brain could think of after a week of self inflicted brutality. It's also in reference my ongoing invesitagtion of my recent extended trip to Blackoutsville this past weekend. The evidence in the file thus far:
- The weekend in question began around 10pm, Tuesday, December the 27th, when suspect was witnessed imbibing alcoholic beverages infront of an Xbox video game console. The weekend did not end until suspect emerged with one Mathers Oglevy from a Best Buy retail store the following Monday, January the 2nd.
- The suspect knew his weekend was over when he realized that buying such titles as American Pie presents Band Camp and The Party Animal at said retail outlet was neither funny nor worth the expense.
- Acrime scene evidence sweep yeilds few results, as suspect's dwelling was thuroughly scrubbed and cleaned by other co-residents in order to remove comtaminents and filth left by a large, smelly, red, land mammal known as the Vidosh that was holed up in the suspect's domicile for most of the weekened.
- The few pieces of evidence of signifigance are: 1 half full package of crushed cigerettes; 1 napkin with lipstick residue in the shape of 2 human lips; 1 wrinkled long sleeve t-shirt with several stains of human blood on the right sleeve; a mass of blond human facial hair.
- A physical examination of the suspect shed light on to each of the clues. Blackened lungs indicated habitual chain smoking throughout the weekend; the sensitivity of the loins indicated that despite circumstantial evidence, suspect acheived absolutely no sex; the lack of skin on the right palm various other 'falling over' wounds provided a simple explanation of the bloody shirt; the facial hair was a lab match proving it to be the discarded mustache of the now clean-shaven suspect.
- Finally, a breakthrough in the investigation occured when the suspect's bank statement was confiscated. From there, the following account of the alleged weekend could be reporduced:
Tuesday: Suspect had no the day off from work Wednesday and so got black out drunk and played Xbox all night
Wednesday: Suspect dominates a game of Trivial Persuit and chugs day beers near U Street in downtown DC. Later on he and a whole bunch of dudes drink night beers at Harry's near Metro Center. Suspect voms hard but soldiers on at the Clarendon Grill, this time with only one other dude. Stupid band who was once cool and took requests no longer does when suspect is pounding jack and cokes and yelling dumb 80's songs with only one other dude in a crowded bar, though the band once did when the bar was empty and the suspect had dudes AND chicks with him.
Thursday: Suspect is back at work but without managerial supervision, so meets a roomate for beers at lunch and buys New Years Eve tickets. Suspect then also stayed up till 3am but NOT binge drinking because he had to help some big stupid red animal who is an idioit and lazy locate his house from the highway.
Friday: Alone at work again, suspect once more drinks at lunch. He stops breifly to finish the rest of the work day but the big dumb visiting animal absolutley does not and is passed out like a lump of shit when the suspect returns home. Later, the big dumb animal shit wakes up and gets sushi and sake with the suspect and a penquinlike manchild. Later, several more dudes cram into the suspects tiny house and pretend like they are at the original Aqua Velva getting REALLY drunk and trashing the place. The big dumb asshole animal eats 10 caffine pills because it has the brain the size of a pea.
Saturday: Casual drinking precedes the suspect's trip to Vitlows for New Years, while the big moron creature feels sick and doesn't drink and then leaves the bar at 12:15am. Suspect is then deep into the heart of Blackoutsville where only the darkest recesses of the suspect's twisted soul know what happend. The suspect regained consciousness some time later when the penquinboy thrusted his two fingers under the suspect's nose and demand he smell them.
Sunday: Suspect took advantage of the Monday holiday by becoming intimate with his good friend Jager Miester.
Monday: Suspect tries to make himself feel better about his miserable exsistence by buying a basket full of DVDs.
Based on the evidence, we the jury reach a verdict that the suspect is GUILTY OF TOTAL FAGGOTRY and all hope he falls off a cliff. Case closed.
- The weekend in question began around 10pm, Tuesday, December the 27th, when suspect was witnessed imbibing alcoholic beverages infront of an Xbox video game console. The weekend did not end until suspect emerged with one Mathers Oglevy from a Best Buy retail store the following Monday, January the 2nd.
- The suspect knew his weekend was over when he realized that buying such titles as American Pie presents Band Camp and The Party Animal at said retail outlet was neither funny nor worth the expense.
- Acrime scene evidence sweep yeilds few results, as suspect's dwelling was thuroughly scrubbed and cleaned by other co-residents in order to remove comtaminents and filth left by a large, smelly, red, land mammal known as the Vidosh that was holed up in the suspect's domicile for most of the weekened.
- The few pieces of evidence of signifigance are: 1 half full package of crushed cigerettes; 1 napkin with lipstick residue in the shape of 2 human lips; 1 wrinkled long sleeve t-shirt with several stains of human blood on the right sleeve; a mass of blond human facial hair.
- A physical examination of the suspect shed light on to each of the clues. Blackened lungs indicated habitual chain smoking throughout the weekend; the sensitivity of the loins indicated that despite circumstantial evidence, suspect acheived absolutely no sex; the lack of skin on the right palm various other 'falling over' wounds provided a simple explanation of the bloody shirt; the facial hair was a lab match proving it to be the discarded mustache of the now clean-shaven suspect.
- Finally, a breakthrough in the investigation occured when the suspect's bank statement was confiscated. From there, the following account of the alleged weekend could be reporduced:
Tuesday: Suspect had no the day off from work Wednesday and so got black out drunk and played Xbox all night
Wednesday: Suspect dominates a game of Trivial Persuit and chugs day beers near U Street in downtown DC. Later on he and a whole bunch of dudes drink night beers at Harry's near Metro Center. Suspect voms hard but soldiers on at the Clarendon Grill, this time with only one other dude. Stupid band who was once cool and took requests no longer does when suspect is pounding jack and cokes and yelling dumb 80's songs with only one other dude in a crowded bar, though the band once did when the bar was empty and the suspect had dudes AND chicks with him.
Thursday: Suspect is back at work but without managerial supervision, so meets a roomate for beers at lunch and buys New Years Eve tickets. Suspect then also stayed up till 3am but NOT binge drinking because he had to help some big stupid red animal who is an idioit and lazy locate his house from the highway.
Friday: Alone at work again, suspect once more drinks at lunch. He stops breifly to finish the rest of the work day but the big dumb visiting animal absolutley does not and is passed out like a lump of shit when the suspect returns home. Later, the big dumb animal shit wakes up and gets sushi and sake with the suspect and a penquinlike manchild. Later, several more dudes cram into the suspects tiny house and pretend like they are at the original Aqua Velva getting REALLY drunk and trashing the place. The big dumb asshole animal eats 10 caffine pills because it has the brain the size of a pea.
Saturday: Casual drinking precedes the suspect's trip to Vitlows for New Years, while the big moron creature feels sick and doesn't drink and then leaves the bar at 12:15am. Suspect is then deep into the heart of Blackoutsville where only the darkest recesses of the suspect's twisted soul know what happend. The suspect regained consciousness some time later when the penquinboy thrusted his two fingers under the suspect's nose and demand he smell them.
Sunday: Suspect took advantage of the Monday holiday by becoming intimate with his good friend Jager Miester.
Monday: Suspect tries to make himself feel better about his miserable exsistence by buying a basket full of DVDs.
Based on the evidence, we the jury reach a verdict that the suspect is GUILTY OF TOTAL FAGGOTRY and all hope he falls off a cliff. Case closed.
posted by Anonymous | 1:24 PM
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