"Like a Fat Fuck Fucking Fatly"

The Mayonnaise Cannons of Arlington take to the baseball diamond today, looking to avoid a repeat performance of last week where they played like the above mentioned simile.

Though surely all winners in the game of life, the Mayo Cannons were spectacular losers in both opening contests of their sophomore season.

Ravid Reene was back at the helm, derelict of duties as always. Though sponsorship was procured this year, Ravid was yet again unable to get the new team jerseys to arrive on time, engendering no confidence in the newest members of Team Mayonnanon.

SoVa transplant He Who Doinks was clearly displeased, "You suck ass, Reene."

SoFla native and fellow Mayo Cannon newbie Jillbert Wadams added, "We never had these problems on my kickball team, Ravid, you pathetic sack of dogshit."

Also new to the Cannons but unphased by the incompetence, possibly due to their participation in the abortion that was the Ravid Reene captained Red Rockets flag football team, were Tara Beara, Emily II part the second, and Dana-na-na-Dana-na-na-Hey-Hey-Hey-Goodbye.

Rounding out the usual slug-spects were Tumas "The Red Blizz" Tranthem, Emily "Biggie" Smalls, Mathers Oglebies, Ah the Ra, Phoney Balooney Maloney, Salty Dave Veedner and Andruw Spay, who, unlike Ravid's 4 base error, knocked in the first ding dong of the season and provided the sole highlight of last week.

Post game festivities were carried out at the Crystal City Sports Pub where unfortunately a lingering pall cast an inescapable shadow of failure over the team. That and it seems some members of the team are simply inveterate Grumpy Guses.

Despite the obstacles, the Mayonnaise Cannons' resolve to triumph in the upcoming season, or at least to get rip roaring drunk should they inevitably fail.