AQUA VELVA

A True Man and Patriot

2007-03-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

This papa vitta's first holy communion photo. What a great Italian-American.

I am a bad person

2007-01-04T16:50:00.000-08:00

Listen, I fucked up. I apologized to Big Blogger and I do so to rockyourface. Bad friend indeed. Lots of drama right now plus a renewed vitamin thing and a chubby are to blame. I am sorry and I will make it up to you guys. 108 Henry Street cannot die because of one fucking night. Although I pull this shit a lot I know, let us not go overboard. we'll see you guys later. check out this as well

friendship terminated

2007-01-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

well vidosh, it was dumb while it lasted, but please, for reasons of which you are fully aware, consider yourself a persona non grata. the only communications that will take place between us hence forth shall be conducted via this blog, and the sole topic of discussion is to be the 85 fucking dollars you owe.

once my payment is rendered and i have the cold hard legal tender in my grubby mitts, a complete and total comminication blackout between us will commence, to be revived only at the end of of all time and space.

have fun getting fisted in hell.

Sincerely,
get fucked

From the Depths of Yonder Grizzled Taint

2006-12-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

"Well you can suck and fuck for freeeeeeeee!
But you better not take it from meeeeeeeee!
Cause it was real farthammer BayeeeBeeeeeeeeee!"

Robocop finished his spine shattering rendition of Farthammer's lastest song Yonder Grizzled Taint with the rest of his Farthammer bandmates, which now included Andrew W.K., DragonForce and Ronald James Dio.

"We are a powerful force Farthammerers. Dio, you belted them out the lyrics with the lungs of a 57 year old, rather than of a man of 65 years. Impressive," said Robocop.

"Don't go there Robocop," snapped Dio. "Let's change topics. How bout you tell the rest of the band when's the last time you got some of the FUckin PUssaaaaaaaaay!"

"It has been for too long of a time, even for my meager bonage rates," replied Robocop. "I will need to soon fuck it again the pussy. I will try to sex it with that girl on whom I have had a huge crush on for the longest time."

"The one who when you're around her you always act like a huge FUckin PUssy?" asked Dio.

"Cool it now, Dio. Least you would enjoy me fucking it your butthole."

Robocop left band practice before the discussion of his love life went any further. He knew full well that the conversation would inevitably turn towards his inability to have any sex with anyone, owing to him being a dickless cyborg. Nonetheless he went to the coffee shop where the girl on whom he had a crush worked and attempted to woo her.

Robocop is a spaz, of course, and obviously failed miserably.

At the next band practice Robocop was noticeably forlorn.

"Robocop, why don't you shake it off and stop being such a FUckin PUssy. Bitches aint nuthin but ho's thats why I never mess with them."

"Shut it the fuck up. You do not know awful I feel. Also you have been married twice."

"Robocop, grow up. Listen, my sister's friend a big fat slut, you'll lover her. She's coming to watch today's practice and even if you can't be with your dream woman at least you can get some of that FUckin PUssy."

Dio's sister's voluptuous friend did show up and she and Robocop got along real well. She was cool and Robocop didn't feel any pressure when he was around her so he seemed much cooler. After a great day of hanging out Robocop realized he hadn't yet learned the young lady's name, so he asker he what it was.

"Plumed Melons," She replied.

"Plumped Melons," said Robocop slowly.

"That's it. I was named by my father, Dick Titties."

"My friends used to call me, Murphy. But now, I shall too be Dick Titties," stated an inspired Robocop.

And the two fell deep in love, thus proving the old adage, 'a man can love a fatty, even if he can never get a boner'.

GREAT MUSTACHES THRUOUT TIME AND SPACE

2006-11-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

LOOK AT THESE CHAMPIONS OF MEN AND ALL THE POONUNU THEIR SWEET SWEET MUSTACHES GOT THEM.

FUCKING A RIGHT.

my sentiments exactly

2006-11-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

37570. ELI MUST GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by giantreality, 11/27/06 12:20 ET
THE MONGOLOID RUINED EVERYTHING. HE IS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL CRINGING FROM THE DEFENDER AND THROWING UP A PRAYER JUST SO HE WON'T HAVE TO TAKE A HIT.GET RID OF THAT BITCH, HE IS A BIG PU$$Y DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SAN DIEGO BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THE GIANTS HAD A BETTER TEAM- THEY DID BUT LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE TO US. ANY TEAM ELI QBs FOR HE WILL TURN TO $HIT. HOW MANY PLAYOFF POTENTIAL SEASONS DO WE HAVE TO WATCH SLIP AWAY BECUASE OF THIS MONGOLOID FAIRY???
WE NEED A MAN AT QB. A MAN WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF WHAT TEAM HE PLAYS ON CUZ HE KNOWS HE CAN GET IT DONE ANYWHERE HE PLAYS.
ELI HAS HAD THE BIGGEST HEAD START AND LEARNING CURVE IN THE NFL ALL WHILE BEING PAID LIKE A PROVEN VETERAN.
HE AIN'T NO NATURAL AND HE AIN'T LEARNING.
IF COUGHLIN STARTS ELI AND AGAINST DALLAS HE SHOULD BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY LOSE OR MAYBE THE O-LINE WILL LET THE DALLAS D GET A GOOD SHOT ON HIM AND HOPE FOR THE BEST FOR THE TEAM....
ELI SUCKS AND HE IS RUINING THE GIANTS.
LORENZEN SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE YESTERDAY GETTING SOME GAME TIME IN PREPARATION FOR DALLAS.
ELI IS THE BIGGEST WASTE MONEY IN NFL HISTORY.
ELI YOU SUCK!! BE A MAN, DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE TEAM AND GET SICK OR JUST ADMIT MAYBE THE JOB AIN'T FOR YOU- THE FANS WULD RESPECT YOU MORE THAN CONTINUING TO RUN OUR TEAM INTO THE CELLAR

Poop

2006-11-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

AQUA VELVA WILL CRUSH NEW YEARS 2K7 WITHOUT THE USE OF CAFFINE PILLS AND WADS OF SHITPAPER

What do the NY Giants, Rutgers University and Chosef Veeda all have in common

2006-11-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

All 3 shit the bed last week.

fuck you jacksonville.

A new flavor of jager

2006-11-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

Hairy Pooter and the Goblet of Farts

2006-11-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

Another summer of Hairy's is spent jaggingov until Voldofart does something bad. But instead of doing something to stop him, pussy Hairy decides to go frig off at World Cup of Queefitch. Hairy's friend, Hugemioners, provides Hairy with all the beat off material he needs when she gets a public bukake from the entire Irish Queefitch team.

Balls drained and back at school, Hairy meets a new teacher, Auror "Brown-Eye" Moody who is a total "asshole". Then it's announced there's another wizard battle at the Tri-Nippled Tournament. Hairy only has two nipples and is not supposed to go but he blows a judge and gets a free pass.

Then they all fight some faggot dragons or some shit.

There is also a big dance that all the little wizards have to get dates for. Unfortunetley they are all so young and horny the young wizards trip all over thier boners while asking out thier potential date-rape victims. Hairy's friend Rod's boner is the most turgid of them all.

But before the dance the final competition of the TriNi Tourney takes place, in which the wizards race thru a maze to be the first to grab the Goblet of Farts. Hairy and his competitor Cerdick Dickery reach at the Goblet of Farts at the same time, so they grab each others cocks and call it a tie like a couple of queers.

Then the main bad guy reveals himself and - suprise, it's Voldofarts! - who knew? Hairy almost dies but is instead saved by his dead ass parents who totally fuck Voldofarto straight back to hell. It also turns out that Professor "Brown-Eye" was a "shitty" traitor in a "ballon-knot" disguise. What a "shocker."

As Hairy is the hero, again, for the fourth time in four years, he finally gets what he wanted: an all night suck and fuck fest Ching Chong, the female wizard with the magical sideways bearded clam.

DEMOCRACY IS DUMB

2006-11-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I am supposed to vote tomorrow and while i definitely plan on taking time off work to excercise my franchise, I highly doubt I will actually be making any selctions.

Why not? Look at my choices.

I could just say, "Ok, well than I will just vote for the fagort, then."

BUT THEY ARE BOTH FAGORTS..

Hence, democracy is teh ghey.

2006-10-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Close! but no ceeGARRRRRRRR

2006-09-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

AVAST! - Tho the scurvy buccaneers known as the Mayonnaise Cannons faught like a rabid Moby Dick, they were felled by the equally scurvy CC SportsPub Team.Forced to do battle shorthanded as Captain Hook, The Mayonnanons were made to walk the plank despite a valient effort. David "Seaman-on-me-poopdeck" Weegle made the play o' the day, with a glorious sac in the second game. The warm sea air held Dave's sac in the air for all to behold. Tho dead men tell no tales, no man alive could deny the beauty of Dave's sac.Vowing to get revenge and send the next opponent down to davy jone's locker was First Mate David "Yellow Beard" Keen, "Shiver me timbers you randrubbers!"The Mayo Cannons look to blunder and pillage next week against the salty sea-dogs of Kitty O'Shea's. They also look to splice the mainbrace with ample tankards of grog before game time. Keep the wee ones away - with all the booty the Mayonannons bring aboard, this affair will be sure to be rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Whither Mayonannons?

2006-09-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

It is times like these that try the souls of the Mayonnaise Cannons.

Moral is low at M.C. HQ. The roster is depleted not due to injury but to general malaise and the team is still sporting donuts in the win column.

Searching for ways to hoist themselves from the brink of oblivion, the Mayo Cannons have all resolved to redouble their efforts in two key categories: party; and bullshit.

Never again shall a fuck be given about anything that happens on the field. Never again shall a lopsided run differential keep the Cannons from out-cheering their opponents. And never again shall a Mayonon get dicourgaed just because some asswipe with batting gloves and 200 dollar cleats decided he needed to justify his pathetic exisitience by running up the score in a recreation county softball league.

The Mayo Cannons look to turn their season around this Friday night after an emergency mandatory beruit tournament was scheduled.

Ravid Reene urged his team mates to remember:

"We have every opportunity and every encouragement before us, to form the noblest purest constitution on the face of the earth. We have it in our power to begin the world over again. A situation, similar to the present, hath not happened since the days of Noah until now. The birthday of a new world is at hand, and a race of men, perhaps as numerous as all Europe contains, are to receive their portion of freedom from the event of a few months. Now lets get fucked up."

Faggots and Dykes

2006-08-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's game, most insensitive observers would assume that the Mayonnaise Cannons' opponents, The Can Nots, consisted of nothing but faggots and dykes. And although the Can Nots did all either act like pussies or look like Amazonians, this appellation would be unfair to the gay and lesbian community, as no group of people, alternative sexual proclivities notwithstanding, deserve to be lumped together with such unmitigated lameness. Not ones for needless slander, the Mayonnaise Cannons were content to think of their opponents simply as huge fucking douche bags.

Capt. Kim Jong Keene summed up his teams feelings, "That was officially my least favorite team so far from either this year or last."

There was cause for some minor celebration, however, as two new Cannonettes were welcomed into the fold.

Red Rocket alumna Fiery Meg Valters brought a level of intensity unmatched by either team, and the talented LeRihanna Thormor brought her glove.

Also deserving special mention was the outstanding defensive play of third base stalwart Emily Biggie Smalls, who played huge as her name would suggest, sacrificing her body to make a run saving tag in a bonecrushing but spectacular play.

"You think that big gorilla barreling into third base scared me?" said Emily of the the play. "I'll take that fucking bitch down EVERY time."

And in a stunning display of competence, Apollo Anton Keene managed to get the jerseys to the game, finally allowing the Mayo Cannons to disply their logos of a symbolic male orgasm proudly on thier chests. Keene even had the foresight to order white cotton t-shirts, giving the male Cannons extra incentive to attend games in wet and rainy weather such as yesterday's.

The Mayonannons bring their sterling 0-4 record to the park next Wednesday to take on some new bunch of undoubtedly lame assholes.

"Like a Fat Fuck Fucking Fatly"

2006-08-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Mayonnaise Cannons of Arlington take to the baseball diamond today, looking to avoid a repeat performance of last week where they played like the above mentioned simile.

Though surely all winners in the game of life, the Mayo Cannons were spectacular losers in both opening contests of their sophomore season.

Ravid Reene was back at the helm, derelict of duties as always. Though sponsorship was procured this year, Ravid was yet again unable to get the new team jerseys to arrive on time, engendering no confidence in the newest members of Team Mayonnanon.

SoVa transplant He Who Doinks was clearly displeased, "You suck ass, Reene."

SoFla native and fellow Mayo Cannon newbie Jillbert Wadams added, "We never had these problems on my kickball team, Ravid, you pathetic sack of dogshit."

Also new to the Cannons but unphased by the incompetence, possibly due to their participation in the abortion that was the Ravid Reene captained Red Rockets flag football team, were Tara Beara, Emily II part the second, and Dana-na-na-Dana-na-na-Hey-Hey-Hey-Goodbye.

Rounding out the usual slug-spects were Tumas "The Red Blizz" Tranthem, Emily "Biggie" Smalls, Mathers Oglebies, Ah the Ra, Phoney Balooney Maloney, Salty Dave Veedner and Andruw Spay, who, unlike Ravid's 4 base error, knocked in the first ding dong of the season and provided the sole highlight of last week.

Post game festivities were carried out at the Crystal City Sports Pub where unfortunately a lingering pall cast an inescapable shadow of failure over the team. That and it seems some members of the team are simply inveterate Grumpy Guses.

Despite the obstacles, the Mayonnaise Cannons' resolve to triumph in the upcoming season, or at least to get rip roaring drunk should they inevitably fail.

SORRY SO SLOPPY - I TOTALLY GAVE UP ON THIS ONE

2006-08-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Second only to receiving a smoothly administered hand job on his list of things to do to relax, Hagbard maintained watching Jeopardy! as his favorite leisure activity with which to unwind. It was also his favorite show that incorporated punctuation into its title.

Today Hagbard tried to combine his two favorite leisurely activities by watching Jeopardy! with his chesty girlfriend Misty. As the show began Hagbard’s gaze alternated between Alex Trebek and Misty heavy hangers. Hagbard succeeded in his plan but not without some difficulty. Misty insisted on trying to answer the Jeopardy clues whilst off she wacked Hagbard, which led to in the discomforted thought entering Hagbard’s head that Misty might be retarded.

The next day Hagbard tested this theory regarding Misty a little further. NASCAR together and whenever Derryl Ernhardt Jr’s car went by Misty would clap her hands and say “Red car! Red car! Red card!”

Hagbard began paying more attention to what Misty was saying and less on her ample bosom. Pretty much everything she said was dumb. Then came the cake taker: “Oh turn this off, I’m afraid of Alex Trebek,” she said.

“Why?” asked Hagbard.

“Because he raped me.”

“O RLY?”

“JES RLY.”

“Well, in that case, this shit is over.”

“Well I’m just a big idiot and would be better off with someone a lot dumber than you anyway.”

“Yes, that is where eventually I was going with this anyway. Have fun hanging out with dumb asses. You blew it baby. BIG TIME.”

“Yeah well, I already blew it, his penis I mean.”

“Stop talking about Alex Trebek.”

“I’m sorry but I liked the sex we had so much.”

“Then it’s not rape.”

“But I like rape.”

“We are so over.”

I SORBED THE 3 GREATEST THINGS IN LIFE LAST WEEKEND

2006-08-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

breakfast: taste it!
lunch: taste it!
dinner: taste it!

A holiday taste sensation!!!!!

Apparently My Parent's Write for the Onion Now

2006-08-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend

Hairy Pooter and the Pisser of Azkaban

2006-08-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hairy is totally bored and horny during the summer and wants to go to Hogmeat, an all jizzarding village near the Hogballs Academy of Fucking. He is dissapointed by the lack of talent (ie no babes) at Hogmeat and flips out, exploding an old man's old balls with his phallic wand.

Now on the run from the law, Hairy hitches a ride in the Bang Bus where he plows some nice hole and learns that that Seriously Black has been Pissin' on Azkaboobs. Hairy next encounters Cornholio Fudge Tunnel, who doesn't punish Hairy for blowing up old balls, altho Hairy does have to spend some time at the Leaking Oily Discharge Cauldron.

Hairy then goes back to school and plays a lot of his favorite game, Queef-itch.

Hairy also can't get enough of that juicy Hogmeat, going back several times and also frequents the Shrinking Sack, a constantly shrinking house made of testicle skin.

Eventually, Hairy gets into some problems with Professor Lupenis, a were-cunt (tranvestite wolf) and the evil Snapenis and a map and his dead parents and then Hairy goes back in time and saves a Hippospliff named Fuckbeak or some dumb shit.

Finally it is revealed that Black was Hairy Pooter's parent's pimp, who whored them out like a couple of dirty magical hookers. Black then asks if Hairy would like to star in his next movie, Black's Big Stick and Three White Chicks. But Black is jailed for pedophilia before they can get started and writes Hairy love letters from jail every day. What a gay wad.

The End.

Quid Pro Farthammer

2006-08-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

Having not played together for over two years and with their lead guitarists head crushed into oblivion by their singer/songwriter, heavy metal super group Farthammer went on hiatus. Members took the time off to go on separate holidays to recharge their batteries and bowels.

Lead singer/songwriter Robocop chose to vacation at the Jersey shore, which may sound counterintuitive given his worst nightmare in the world is to hang out with Italians. However, Robocop spent his time playing skiball and shooting Jersey guidos in the face and throwing their dead lifeless bodies off of piers, so it ended up being quite relaxing for him.

Front man to true metal group Manowar, known as Manowar, took the opportunity of his own bands hiatus to try and poach some of Farthammer’s former members for a side project he called Doctor Thunder/Mountain Lighting. He knew P.P. Pyleman was a deadman, crushed to death by Robocop’s thighs for wanton incompetence, so he instead searched for his younger Brazilian cousin and rhythm guitarist, Junior Pinho.

Manowar found Junior Pinho (peen' hoe) jagging off to the Discovery Channel in his tidy two bedroom apartment in Sao Paulo. Junior covered up (but continued jagging off) and the two began discussing the idea of forming a band. Unfortunately for them the conversation was interrupted by a load crash which was the wall collapsing.

“How did they find me here?” shouted Junior.

“What are they?” asked Manowar.

“Robot Cavemen from the Amazon! Quick let’s get out of here!”

Junior led Manowar out the back door and the managed to escape down the alley, though the Swarm of Robot Cavemen were hot on their trail.

“You’ve got to help me, Manowar.”

“You got us into this mess, Junior, I suggest you get us out.”

Though they parted on amiable terms, Junior didn’t want to have to call Robocop. Thankfully for Manowar, survival trumped potential awkwardness and Junior paged Robocop with a 911 emergency.

Robocop reluctantly blasts off to the Southern Hemisphere with his rocket boosters and locates Manowar and Junior. He arrives with a nice tan, though is annoyed that neither Junior nor Manowar notice.

“What is it the big fucking deal?” he asks.

“We were just talking and Robot Cavemen came after us!” said a panting Manowar.

“From the Amazon!” added Junior. “We managed to escape them for now but they’ll be back. You have to save us Robocop, save us from the Caveman Robots!” cried Junior.

“Well which is it? Caveman Robots or Robot Cavemen?” asked Robocop.

“There’s a difference?” asked a puzzled Junior.

“Yes there is an implied difference you boob. A Robot Caveman would suggest an advanced robotic humanoid that looks and acts like a primitive caveman and considered very dangerous. A Caveman Robot suggests a robot constructed by a caveman which means it is likely extremely crude and composed of twigs and bones and leaves.”

“Um, then I guess it’s the latter.”

“So what is it you need me for? Throw rocks at it and they will fall to pieces.”

“Um, okay.” The search for rocks is interrupted by an explosion as a laser beams shot through the air amidst a din of grunts and ‘ooga boogas’.

“Oh no, Robot Cavemen!” Yelped Junior

“Well why did you not say the fuck so? There is but one way to take down Robot Cavemen.”

“We blast their asses with some blazing hip hop and R&B?” suggested Manowar.

“No, we pound them into smithereens with heavy metal thunder.” Declared Robocop.

So the spontaneously reconstituted Farthammer started playing their heaviest song to date which the all made up on the spot in unison: The Fart (The Fuck Fat).

The Robot Cavemen were vanquished and the scenery reduced to rubble. Robocop and Manowar looked satisfied but something appeared to be up Junior’s ass.

“What is it up in your ass?”

“The music we played.”

“Continue.”

“It rocked hard and all, but it wasn’t good enough. I think it’s too main stream. I prefer really boring obscure music that no one likes. That way I can feel superior.”

“You dolt,” said Robocop, “music is not about feeling superior. Judging music in general is stupid. Would you carry this logic to other forms of art, such as painting or sculpturing? You confuse someone’s personal proclivities for pop music with narrow mindedness, but in doing so your own prejudices are illuminated.”

“You know, Robocop, you’re right, I never thought about it like that.”

“And let us not forget your irrational disdain for electronically produced music, which you erroneously think cannot produce the same organic vibe as a redneck with a banjo.”

“Good point. I suppose if the great classical composers were alive today they would create music with electronically enhanced instruments, as it affords a broader sonic palette and would continue in their tradition of pushing the orchestral boundaries established in their time.”

“Now you are starting to get it the picture.”

“Gee thanks, Robocop, now let’s go make some music. Yea Farthammer!”

“Are you kidding me? You are fucking fired, son. We will be hiring Mike Borden formerly of the band Faith No More to form a power trio to rock off your face like it has never been rocked off before.” Explained Robocop.

“Yeah you fucking faggot,” chided Manowar.

And so Junior left a salty trail of defeat as he cried himself all the way home.

“They may have been a tad harsh, Manowar.”

“I’m sorry Robocop, but each day I wake up and get out of bed knowing that there is shit waiting for me. Each day is a struggle, a battle, and I must prepare for these battles, these wars. I either fight to win or I throw up my hands and admit that I’m fucked. In this spirit I chastised Junior.”

“You have made it well your point. Which reminds me of it a new song to be called Fat Fart Fuck Factory.”

“Let’s do it, Murphy.”

The End.

Farthammer will save this country!!!

2006-08-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

According to Alan Moore:

In countries like the U.S., we exist in a wholly sexualized culture, where everything from cars to snack food are sold with a healthy slathering of sex to make them more commercially appealing. But if you're using sex to sell sneakers, then you're not just selling sneakers, you're selling sex as well, and you're contributing to the sexual temperature of society. You're going to get people who, unsurprisingly, become overheated in that kind of sexual environment, and if they attempt to assuage their desires by resorting to the widely available medium of pornography, they're going to have their moment of gratification, and then they're going to have a much longer period of self-loathing, disgust, shame and embarrassment. I think if you were to sever that connection between arousal and shame, you might actually come up with something liberating and socially useful. It seems at least potentially that pornography might be providing an essential pressure valve which we do not have access to. Rather than being able to have a healthy relationship with our own sexual imagination, we're driven into some dark corners by shame and embarrassment and guilt, and those dark corners breed all sorts of monsters.

Fantasy Sports Team Names

2006-07-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

how clever my fellow roto-team managers are.

League: Balls (MLB)
RollinsPhillyBlunts
diggies wiggies
www.juniorspivey.com
Tiny Dancers
Luke Atmyas
Pirate Baseball
F A R T H A M R
NickEsaskyHighlight
Caress My Body
Dominasian
John Basedow FC
Jersey Pipelayers

Leauge: Beer For Breakfast (MLB)
VanSlyke's Whiteness
g00b pisto1s
Scuzi! Mi Scuzi!
Groundhog Hunters
F A R T H A M M E R
The Flesh Missles
ThePerimeterOfWisdom
Munshi Thugzz
New Blood Soldiers

Leauge: Balls (NFL)
Beavers
www.wheresbutch.com/
Bubb Rubb and Lil Si
West Fart Ham United
Leather Pennies
John Basedow FC
Luke Atmyas
ReturningVideoTapes
Shattered Hymans
el degros
I Know McGrane
Tiny Dancers

League: Sunday Funday (NFL)
Meatballs
Trouser Snakes
Guitar Star
John Basedow FC
The Upper Deckers
Inhuman Rampage
The Scum Guzzlers
Tase it my Fart Ham
Munshi Thuggzz XVII
Groundhog Hunters
Team DragonForce

Fear and Trembling and Robocop

2006-07-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

It has been two years since Farthammer's last preformace, and Robocop was getting bored.

"What is it that I shall do with myself today?" Robocop asked himself.

Knowing that as a dickless cybog he couldn't simply idle away his time frigging himself off to Cinemax OnDemand, even though he did pay for that extra in his cable package. Instead, Robocop decided he would flip through the OnDemand music channels in hopes that something would ignite his fancy.

After several aborted efforts in the hip-hop category, Robocop found what he was looking for. The band was DragonForce and the song was Through the Fire and the Flames and Robocop's experience was transcendant.

Robocop immidiately googled DragonForce and found that they indeed were fan-fucking-tastic and that also they were in the midst of a European tour.

"The Band Dragonforce is perhaps the only band that can shred it thier guitars as hard or as fast as my band Farthammer once was to rock out. " Robocop thought to himself. "The double bass drum blows away that which is one of the last organic parts of my body and is my mind."

It didn't take long for Robocop to make up his blown mind and travel to see DragonForce's next preformance. He blasted out of the roof of his house with his rocket jets and flew all the way to Trevesio, Italy, and got their just in time to see DragonForce start the first set of their Inhuman Rampage World Tour.

But even before the first lick of Herman Li's thrashing solo Robocop knew soemthing was wrong. It some became appearant that something was more than wrong, it was Robocop's worst nightmare realized. It was the Mezzogiorno.

Robocop's greatest weakness is exposure to the culture of Southern Italians, and forwhatever reason, Niapoltians and Sicilians were flocking to the Veneto region to see the same show as Robocop.

Overcoming this nightmare scenario wasn't easy, but Robocop formulated a plan that would solve his problem. He would exterminate every last single one of the sleasy dago greaseballs.

Reaching for his gun, Robocop suffered his second terror of the day. His gun was missing. Not wanting to countenance the subhuman slime surrounding him any longer than absolutely necessary, Robocop quickly retraced his steps to the last time he had seen his gun.

"Ah ha! It was to my ex-bandmate and former lead guitarist of Farthammer to which this gun's possesion was last given. From he who is the guitarist known as P.P. Pylman is from where I shall next extract it my gun," Said Robocop and he rocketed back to the USA.

Robocop burst into P.P. Pylman's bedroom where he found him frigging himself to Nickolodeon OnDemand.

"How is it that you have done what has happened?" Robocop asked.

"Oh, you probably mean your gun that I borrowed 2 years ago after our last show. Well look, I didn't even use it," said P.P.

"So?" asked Robocop.

"So nothing happened to it. Besides, I forgot to give it back to you."

"So?"

"So, I can get it back to you. It's just been missing for 2 years and I never told you about it. Big Deal! God, what is your problem?"

"Your complete lack contrition flys in the face of common decency is it my problem. Also a problem for me is your inability to admit you fucked it up like an idiot. For these crimes you will taste it what a real Farthammer is."

Robocop than grabbed the scrawny P.P. by the neck and placed him his head between his legs face up.

"What are you going to do, fart on me? You don't even have a real butt!" said P.P.

Then Robocop crushed P.P.'s head into oblivion with his thighs, grabbed his gun and spirited back to Italy.

Robocop was still able to watch the entire second half of the DragonForce show and murder 30,000 Italians.

"This was a day of perfection," Robocop said to himself. "Nearly perfection."

and just cause i'm still bored...

2006-07-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

TITS!

not safe for work.

Sports Blogs are for FAGORTS

2006-07-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Look at this actual quote from a prominant sports blog:

"For that post you should be banned. Never would I want someone like that wearing my team's jersey representing my passion. Disgusting. "

What??? My passion?!?! You want to represent MY PASSION?!?!?! No one represents my passion without my permission!!!!! Do you here me?!?! NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best. Onion. Article. Evar.

2006-07-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

this has to be a world record for must bad puns per sentence.

Mmmmmmmmmadagascar

Mid Term Report card for Aqua Velva Fantasy Baseball League

2006-07-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

F A R T H A M M E R: A+
Although screwed by injuries, Team Farthammer has been the class of the league and is universally expected to be eventual champion. Now that the perceived blunder of placing All Star game starter Brad Penny on waivers can be reviewed as a magnanimous gesture to those less competant at drafting in the league, the legend of Farthammer's grace grows.

Van Slyke's Whiteness: A-
Incredibly lucky draft backed by shrewd waiver pick ups obviosuly aided by some gay roto service you pay $20 a month for. Would have been a solid A but I blame Pittsburgh and you by proxy for all the stupid shit that happened during the All Star game including Hoffman's boner.

Goob P1stols: A-
You have reaped the rewards of percistancy and tenacity. You also have been the best at updating your smacktalk regularly, although more often than not it is less than intimidating. The question remains if you will be able to sustain an assult on Polena's until now impregnable pearch atop the leaderboard now that you have a job and can no longer commit 8 hrs a day to the league.

Sczui Mi Scuzi!: B+
A lack of respect and a surplus of pride has kept you from challanging the "Big Three" teams who are currently ahead of you. Blaming autodraft for your slow start was also a cause for a drop in grade. What's next, you couldn't make a roster move in time because a Hurrican destoryed your South Florida home? Time to smarten up, Joe, smarten up.

Groundhog Hunters: B-
It just goes to show that jagging off to clips of Redskins mini camp on Comcast Sports Net doesn't help in Fantasy Baseball. Maybe if you sepnt less time dreaming about sharing a jail cell with Sean Taylor and more time trying to actually know something about baseball you wouldn't have such a horrible team.

PerimeterOfWisdom: C
I think we all expected better from our moneyballin' comissioner. The brightside, Kamil, is that your team has the most upside potential. Plus if there's anyone who will figure a way to cheat and win, it has to be you.

Flesh Missles: D
Keene leads the league in roster moves yet still sucks. Fucking pathetic. Also, Sand Diego Padre superfans such as yourself are held partly responsible for the All Star game horsehit. Finally, regarding team names, double entandres are out, blatancy is in.

Munshi Thugz: Incomplete
A man who runs his own sports book while in college does not have the bad a performance unless he isn't trying. For someone who is literally a career student at the University of Maryland, you haven't been going to class much. I'll see you in summer school, Farhan.

New Blood Soilders: F-
A complete and total failure and not worthy of critical assement, suffice to say current Triple A second baseman Anderson Hernandez is still in your starting lineup. Please kill yourself and Fireman Ed in a lovers' suicide pact.

2006-07-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

enough of this stupid dago wop pride. look how great david wright is. he knocked in 15 ding dongs in the 1st round of the home run derby AND dropped 2 curse words. i hope derek jeter is watching the derby right now and crying that he will no longer be plowing the hottest tail in new york city anymore, as david wright is going to go on a poon slaying rampage.

2006-07-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

This makes me happy - Viva L'Italia

2006-07-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck Spey right in his ear.

A Joy that Kills

2006-06-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

The tires on Robocop's police cruiser squealed as he slide to a stop in front of an escaping burgler. Robocop threw open his door and picked the criminal up by his collar.

"What is it that you think you are doing?" Robocop asked in his stereo-robotic voice.

"Wha?" the burgler replied.

"Can you not see that I am serious?" Robocop said. He then pointed his gun behind him without looking, fired, and blew up HIS OWN squad car. The flaming wreckage shot into the air and landed just to the right of the visably shaken burgler. He tried to scream for help but all that came out of his mouth was gibberish.

"You do not even know what it is that of which you speak!" said Robocop and he tossed the beaten criminal into an alley only after first recovering the stolen diamonds from the would be theif.

Lacking automotive transportation, Robocop used his built in rocket jets to fly the diamonds back to the jewlery store from whence they came. Without stopping, Robocop crashed straight through the window, breaking in right next to where the diamond thief had busted a hole, and landed directly in front of a severely upset jewlery store manager.

"What the hell are you doing you stupid Robocop?!?" The store manager yelled.

Robocop tried respond that he was merely following proper protocol, only he found himself completely dumbstruck. As the manager continued to upbraid him for smashing her window, Robocop simplely stared dreamily into her eyes. He was entirely smitten.

Finally the exasperated manager asked, "Well, aren't going to say something?"

The only thing Robocop managed to produce from his cybernetic mouth was "Can I push it up in?"

"Excuse me?" Asked the manager.

The still befuddled Robocop replied, "I want to sex it, the pussy."

The store manager stood still but reared her head back away from Robocop and, after taking another second to collect her thoughts, said, "My pussy? Sex it with what you no dick having, no door using, dumb ass talking, inorganic, metallic cod-pieced motherfucker?"

Robocop then needed a moment to process the toungelashing he had just recieved before realizing he actually had been rather cloddish latley. Instead of risking further bumbling with his dream-woman, Robocop decided he could more effectivley comomunicate his feelings through song. He stepped back from the counter, held out his index finger and said, "Perhaps this will explain to you what it is that I am feeling."

Speakers automatically ejected from his shoulders and a robotic guitar was retreived from his thigh where he also holstered his gun. Robocop inhaled deeply, squinted his eyes and belted out: "Cause youre a real farthammer, tonight!!!!"

On the last syllable of the first verse, Robocop brought his robo-pick down hard on the guitar strings. The insturment wailed the most powerful of all chords and inumberable decibles spewed forth from his shoulder mounted speakers.

Unfortuneltey, a tune of such magnitude is only mortally perceptable to cyborgs with superhuman volume thresholds. When the full force of Robocop's song, Real Farthammer (tonight), hit the poor store manager her face exploded and all the skin and flesh on her body was completely stripped from her bone.

When Robocop finished the first chrous in falsetto and finally opened his eyes, he discovered his beloved store manager had turned into a rather unattractive skeloton. Realizing he had done it again, Robocop threw his guitar to the ground in disgust and blasted out another hole in the jewelery store window using his booster jets.

"Women," Robocop thought to himsefl as he flew away, "can't live with 'em, can not handle it my totally farthammer yeah."

2006-06-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

Ghana = crushed. Italy will do its part for the country who took in those gems it could not support. US and Wops advance

Trivia Masters

2006-06-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Team Ben Roesthlisberger's Face dominated triva night at Kitty O'Shea's last night. It was a thrilling tiple OT victory over team Three Behind the Leader (that is the real, actual, lame name of the team).

BRF displayed our brillance by Knowing such puzzler's as: Who wrote the them song to the Ghosbusters (1984)?; What is the speed of light in miles/sec;? To what island was Napoleon exiled?; What was the name of the recently deceased monarch of Monoco?; and Who was president the last time the Cub won the World Series?

The celebration was put on hold, however, when two members of team BRF pulled the bone headed move of accepting the fat, annoying, townie freak's personal 80's music trivia challange. Then a third member prolonged the torture by issueing a NASCAR trivia challange. This disgusting cow bragged about "not having to go to jail today."

God damn freaks.

Red Rocket Fever: Catch it!*

2006-06-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

it's the sensation that is sweeping the nation. check out this actual quotes from people who have actually contracted the fever!

"Who dat saying they gonna beat them Rockets? Who dat? Who dat?" - Shawn McPain

"HollaBackOnThat" - EBehrs

"I broke my foot on saturday" - Ah the Ra

"Good job on Saturday" - Tarabeara

"everyone has to shotgun a beer on the 50 yrd line with the officials" MWaltz

"the new standings came out and we moved out of last place" - Team Captain Ravid Reene

*catch red rocket fever at your own risk. red rocket fever also known as herpes.

2006-06-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

Indeed

CHECK OUT MY AWESOME LIGHT BULB JOKES BY CLICKING EACH CARTOON

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2006-05-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

Things We Do To Fatties and Other Chicks Willing To Sack Up With Us

2006-05-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

Angry DragonImmediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon. Arabian GogglesA "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new. The Bait N' TackleThe sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing! BallsackingTakes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough. Bear ClawA synonym for extremely large pussy lips. Beef CurtainThe shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam. Beer DickThis is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick. BlumpyYou need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter. The BroncoYou start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off. Brown Bagging ItSometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind. Brown NecktieYou're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags. BrunskiWhen a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.) The BullwinkleThe sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.) Butter FaceWhen you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty. The Canine SpecialLiberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf! The Carpet CleanerWhile banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women. The Chili Dog When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her. Chocolate PizzaHappily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye. Cleveland SteamerThe act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries. Cock-StuffingApparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow! Cold LunchThe act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio. The ConcoctionFirst, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again. The Compton GangbangYou meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.) Cop's DelightThe act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut. The CorkscrewCross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood. CornOriginating from the fine campus of Cornell University comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happily eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!" Couch BombingWhen you fill a small ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy It dinner first CoyoteThis occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful. Cum DumpsterA quadriplegic whore. Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping BitchThe once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends. Daisy ChainPartner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight. Davey CrockettA sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights. Dirty SanchezA time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez. Dirty SwirlyWhile boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it. Dog In A BathtubThis is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath. Donkey PunchBanging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate. Duct Tape TrickWrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split. Dutch OvenEntrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing). Dutch TreatThe unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy. DVDAThe abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm. The Electric ChairYour psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after performed. FelchingA gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail. *note: never seen it done with a straw... The Fish EyeFrom behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that. Fish-HookWhen you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus. The Fire IslandThis consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented. Flaming AmazonThis one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz! Flooding The CaveInserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well. The Flying CamelA personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move. The Flying DutchmanThis didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side effects. The Fountain Of YouWhile sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed) Fur BallWhen you're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro and a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat. GobstopperWith two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want. Golden ShowerAny form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports. GreekThe act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad Ham And Cheese SandwichEating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite. Hershey HighwayWhen plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube. High DiveThe skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous. The HindenburgWhen some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool. HoggingWhile intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups of friends. Hole In OneThe act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo. Hotdog In A HallwayWhen laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick. Hot KarlThe act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can. Hot Karl Candy CaneA variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. Hot LunchThe result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.
Houdini
When doing a girl doggie style, and youre about to blow your load, you pull out, spit on her back and when she turns around to look you nut in her eye.
HummerThe well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm. The Hunter GathererYou and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory. The Indian Cock BurnWhile a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn. The Jedi Mind TrickWhen banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you". The Jelly DonutGive some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut. The Juanita Special Bean DipWhile your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip. Kennebunkport SurpriseThe act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out. Kick-FuckingThe act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass. The LandsharkThe woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass. The Lorena BobbitObviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.) The MentholThe act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock. The Mellon DiveHeadbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun. Monkey WrenchWhen some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off. Monroe TransferWhen you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other. The MopedA chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean. The MorkMade famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!) MosesA man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea. The MotorboatWhile performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever. Muff TeaserFinger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bitch again. The MungObtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth. Mushy BiscuitThis is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food. New Jersey Meat-HookThe unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind. New York Style TacoAnytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails. The NixonA variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum. OysterA derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them. Pasadena MudslideThis happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.) PattycakeWhile you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load. Paying The RentA position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously. Peanut Butter And Jelly SandwichShit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.) Pearl NecklaceWell known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit. The Pig RoastWhile you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs. Pink GloveHate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove. The Pirate's TreasureWhile fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate. PlatingTake a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials. The Popcorn TrickFirst, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn? Puerto Rican Fog BankWhile 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.
Purple MushroomThis occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom. QueefA well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released. The RamWhen attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity. Rear AdmiralAn absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips Red WingsAnother name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier! ResuscitationWhen a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights. The Roddy PiperWhen getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again. The RodeoSimilar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw! The Rose CreeperSeductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming. The Rusty TromboneThis is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player. SandbagUnder an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season. The ScrewnicornWhen a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn. The SeatbeltWhile one fag straddles his partners cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom. Shirley TemplePour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out. The ShockerWhen you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.) Shop VacWhen a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power. ShrimpingThe term for licking or sucking your partner's toes. SkiingWhile facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action. SlumpbusterWhen a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump. Snerd NurglingThe act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"... SnoodlingWhen an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!" SnowballAh yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you. The SnuffLovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar. StrangerSitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, giving you the feeling of a hand job from someone else. Stranger On The RocksNumbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred. Strangers In The NightWhen you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else. Stingy NutWhen a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass. Sud N' FudWhen trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead. SurfingThis happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave. Swimmer's EarWhen a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection. Tea BagTo perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise. 3-Eyed TurtleBasically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth. The TortoiseWhen you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did. Tossing SaladA common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.) Tropical WindWhen getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind. Tuna MeltYou're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face. Twisted SisterHave your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun. Vegetarian Hot LunchA variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs. Wake Up CallWaking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?" The WalrusAfter spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus. Western GripWhen jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western. Westside GlazeSame as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face. The Woody WoodpeckerWhen a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead. The Zombie MaskWhile getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

Long Island Might Have Produced The Crazied Jane Vidosh But We Still

2006-05-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

Made VINNY

Sweet Jesus, YES!

2006-05-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

The long-awaited day is upon us. More analysis of the abortion that was the Cerino era to follow.

Mike Cerino Resigns at W&L to Return to Limestone

LEXINGTON, Va. -- Washington and Lee Athletic Director Mike Walsh has announced that Mike Cerino has resigned as Head Men's Lacrosse Coach effective June 30 to return to Limestone College as Head Men's Lacrosse Coach and Associate Athletic Director.

"It has been a genuine pleasure to work for Washington and Lee University during these last five years," said Cerino. "I have enjoyed coaching a wonderful group of student-athletes and will miss my associations here. This position at Limestone provides me the opportunity to redirect the lacrosse program and move into athletic administration, while providing a unique opportunity to join my extended family in South Carolina."

In his five seasons at Washington and Lee, Cerino posted a 53-24 (.688) record and won two Old Dominion Athletic Conference Tournament Championships. His 53 wins over his first five seasons are the second-most by a W&L coach in school history, trailing only Jack Emmer's 60 victories. Cerino helped maintain a level of success that has seen W&L post 17-straight winning seasons, the best stretch in program history.

Cerino's initial squad in 2002 notched a 14-4 overall record, won the ODAC Championship and advanced to the NCAA Semifinals. His 2004 team also went 14-4 overall, was the first team in ODAC history to go undefeated through the conference regular season and tournament, and advanced to the NCAA Quarterfinals. Additionally, Cerino's three NCAA Tournament wins are also tied for the best in program history.

"We thank Mike for five years of outstanding service to Washington and Lee University," said Walsh. "He has been an excellent coach and an exceptional emissary for our athletic department and University. We are very proud of the accomplishments of his teams and wish Mike every success in his new career opportunity. We are pleased that he leaves us with a program that is healthy and forward looking."

Cerino founded the lacrosse program at Limestone in 1990 and established it as one of the top Division II programs over 11 years, helping the Saints win 2000 National Championship.

Washington and Lee graduates just two players from its' 2006 team that went 7-6 overall with five losses to programs ranked in the Top 10. W&L returns 89.5 percent of its' scoring and five all-conference players, including the entire starting defense.

A national search for Cerino's replacement will begin immediately.

LAVAR AND THE G-MEN ARE GOING TO FUCK THE NFC EAST UP BIG TIME

2006-05-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

THAT IS RIGHT, BABY, READ IT AND WEEP. YOU ARE ALL FUCKED. BIG TIME. ESPECIALLY YOU, THE DEADSKINS. FUCKED WITH A CAPITAL F. HAVE FUN GETTING LAMBASTED IN THE WASHINGTON FAGGOT POST FOR SUCKING MONSTER PENIS. THE GIANTS ARE GOING TO ROLL AND THERE IS NOT A FUCKING THING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two Brothers

2006-05-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Having nothing better to do at the moment, Cookiepuss went to go see how his brother Sisyphus was doing.

“What’s up, man?” asked Cookiepuss.

“Just playing this video game.”

“Which one?”

“Faggot Quest.”

“Still?”

“Yup.”

“The Sierra game. The one where you try to get Leisure Fruit Larry to have gay sex?”

“That’s the one.”

“And do you still always get to the very end and right when you’re about to have some big gay sex and finish the game you mess up and have to start all the way back at the beginning?”

“Happens every time.”

“So why don’t you just quit?”

“Good idea. I’ve never been the biggest fan of faggots to begin with.”

And Sisyphus turned off the game and stood up for the first time in an eternity.

“It’s about time,” said Cookiepuss. “Hey, do you want to go get some ice cream cake?”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” said Sisyphus. “Man, you really love your ice cream cake, don’t you?”

“I am ice cream cake.”

“True, but is there anything then that you don’t love?”

“Yeah, iPuds.”

“You mean iPods?”

“Well sorta, they’re iPods that have been masterbatized.”

“What?”

“An iPud is an iPod that someone has physically used to masterbate.”

“You mean people will stick an iPod up their anus for sexual stimulation?”

“No, I mean people will sit there and jerk off their iPod. You see, some people just love their iPods so much that instead of using an erect penis to masterbate with, they get aroused by friggining their iPod off until they have an orgasm.”

“So people actually do that.?”

“All the time. Just yesterday I was sitting on the bus when I saw some guy do it. Made a real mess. “

“Jeez. You’d think they’d just fellate the darn things.”

“You’d think. Real sickos out there.”

“Yeah really.”

“Say, is that our parents I hear coming home?”

“I believe it is.”

“Cool. Well, I’ll go kill Dad then.”

“And I’ll go have sex with Mom.”

“Okay, sounds good. See you later.”

“Later.”

And that is how Sisyphus and Cookiepuss Oedipus spent the rest of the afternoon.

The End

2006-05-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

chippereeno, veetoe, myself and nallsiepoo's thumb at preakness 06.

you suck the towering boner of a cyclops

2006-05-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

vidosh, your stinking size-16 clod hoppers are in the trunk of my car. retrieve them so as to remove the stench of death from my car. why did you leave them at nallsie-poo's anyway? they were right by the door from which you egressed. he made me take them with me. you suck.

in non-equine preakness casualties, my left big toe is seriously fucked the fuck up. it looks like vito spadafore's anoose after johnny cakes has his way with it. so no more red rockets flag football or comapny softball for me until my injury heels. (get it!?)

2006-05-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

I like sexy french cartoon posters

Taste it ESPN.com! I rule supreme!

2006-05-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

The original espn.com article:

click here

My email response to the article:

-----Original Message-----
From: Big Blogger [mailto:bigblogger2k5@hotmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 02, 2006 5:34 PM
To: Philbrick, Michael W; Darcy, Kieran D
Subject: Yankees Red Sox rivalry

here's an easier way to sum up the entire history of everyone involved
in the red sox yankees rivalry:

YOU ARE ALL FAGGOTS.

ESPN.com's reply:

From : Philbrick, Michael W Michael.W.Philbrick@espn3.com
Sent : Tuesday, May 2, 2006 7:12 PM
To : "Big Blogger" bigblogger2k5@hotmail.com
Subject : RE: Yankees Red Sox rivalry

Wow you really nailed it with that one.
I wish I had your gift for this.
Oh, and the gift to not have the guts to sign my own name.

My finishing blow:

OK FAGGOT

Ha Ha!

2006-05-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

This comic strip is a perfect analogy for my life!

happy anniversary fagorts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AV BLOG

2006-05-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

ON MAY 10, 2005, I ATE MY WEIGHT IN TACO BELL AND THIS BLOG WAS BORN

HAS ANYONE SEEN RICHIE? DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHY RICHIE DID BOBBY LUPO?

2006-05-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

CLICK THIS IT IS A FUCKING AWESOME PICTURE

also vidosh emailed me this link with the caption "sign me up"

what a perverted piece of shit.

PANDA + SEGAL = FRIENDS

The Stupid Da Vinci Code for Fagorts

2006-05-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

With the new movie coming out, Dan Brown's asinine tale of bullshit will be getting more pub than ever, and probably more criticism from the catholic church as well. While normally I enjoy anything that gets the pope's panties in a bunch, i agree that this story must be stopped, though for slightly different reasons than ratzinger. Cutting to the chase, here is why:

THERE IS NO SUCH SCIENCE AS SYMBOLOGY

the whole plot revolves around some asshole finding out clues to some big christian secret based on the fact that he is an expert symbologist. the is completely retarded. "oh look, two triangles, one points up and must represent a penis. the other points down and is a vagina. i have just unlocked the 2000 year old secret of jesus." THAT IS IN THE BOOK, I AM NOT KIDDING.

what a bunch of dumb shit. now people are going to think they too can be experts on 'symbology' and start blathering on about the different meaning of a circle. "Hey look, a V, Da Vinci used to use that in his works to represent motherhood and openness. It is a powerful symbol evident across divergent cultures and times." Oh no shit? Well guess what asshole, it's two fucking sticks, it could mean any fucking thing you want.

It's almost as bad as when Jurassic Park came out and millions of people suddenly became experts on DNA and the science of dinosaur cloning. No, I take that back, this is worse. WAAAAY worse. Go fuck yourself, Dan Brown.

dee tings on dee end of dee legs

2006-05-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

both my company's softball team and the local rec flag football team i'm on suck tremendous ass. they excel at only one thing and that is defeat (GET IT?) . it's a good thing any last remnant of competitive spirit left in my body was crushed into oblivion way back in my senior year of high school wrestling.

here is a true team of heroes who know nothing of de feet.

speaking of high school wrestling, here are some slogans we had on our team shirts :

"ALTITUDE
is determined more by
ATTITUDE
than by
APTITUDE"

"PRESSURE
breaks the weak or forms the
DIAMOND"

"SUCCESS is a CHOICE"

"CHAMPIONS
don't take orders from little
BABY FAGORT PENQUINS
and people who went to the
CHAMINADE HIGH SCHOOL FOR DORK-ASSES"

the future is fagorts

2006-04-26T12:21:00.003-07:00

i've noticed that when one searches technorati for blogs, the term "aqua velva" yeilds nothing but mentions of the after shave. however, search for "fagorts" and this blog AND our dear departed friend "THE BLOG FOR FAGORTS" feature rather prominently.

that being the case, i will be peppering the term fagort into future posts as much as possible to increase relevancy. for instace, check out this ridiculous fagort jerking off a baseball bat.

Tremendous fagortry, no?

the future is fagorts

2006-04-26T12:21:00.002-07:00

the future is fagorts

2006-04-26T12:21:00.001-07:00

the future is fagorts

2006-04-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Loser's Challange

2006-04-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get someone to answer a question, ANY question, on an espn.com Sports Nation chats since I graduated college. I have finally succeeded in my loser's challange. Behold:

Ken Dynamo (DC): What ever happened to the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons being forced to change their name?

Gregg Easterbrook: (3:51 PM ET ) Redskins won the most recent legal ruling in that case, though there are rumors the judge, who's in Washington, is a seasons-ticket holder.

I was much influenced two years ago by a poll showing by about 80/20, American Indians think Redskins should keep there name. I don't like the name, but if that's truly the American Indian view, then the matter diminishes in importance.

Thank you for helping me waste my company's money, Gregg Easterbrook.

Red Rockets Update

2006-04-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

There will be no update this week because your humble reporter took the weekend off to catch up on some reading. I just completed the 2nd book in a wildly popular children's series, on which I will now report.

Hairy Pooper and the Chasm of Secretions

Hairy is idling away the summer at the Dorkley's residence until his friend Rod shows up to take him back to the Hogballs Academy of Fucking in his flying dildo. They stop on the way to pick up some babes and both take turns driving while the other recieves smooth handies in the back seat.

Once at Hogballs, Hairy meets Rod's sister, Vaginny Sleasley, who is all after Hairy's junk. Before she can bed the studly boy wizard, however, she inadvertandly opens the Chasm of Secretions, slathering everyone around in sweaty sex juices. The Secretions start pertifying everyone's wood and soon everyone except Hairy is locked into a constant cycle of fucking and sucking. It turns out to be all part of Hairy's arch nemesis Lord Malfart's plan to keep Hairy from tasting Vaginny's sweet hair pie.

Hairy, however, is able to weild his magical dong bone to summon the Monsters of Cock, who do battle with Malfart's evil Frankengine. Hairy is victrorious and the Chasm is closed. Malfart is told what's what and Hairy gets to work beating Vaginny's tight poonanny up nice.

The End.

2006-04-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

killa

The Reddest of Rockets

2006-04-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

Famed drinking squadron, the Rockets Red, are operative and on the warpath of drinking and destruction. The inaugural dip into the fermanted springs of beerzors occured Saturday the first of April's fool. No one has yet found a way to contain the unbridled thirst of the assmebled champions of alcho-beverages. Whole cities tremble before their awesomeness. The President of the United States of America wets himself when he thinks about the fearsomeness that is the Rockets Red. They are that fucking huge.

The boozing rampage began at the Crytal City Sports Pub, patron to our heroes' endevours. Captain Ravid Reene began with a toast:

"As we watch the hanging plasma screens display the pathetic ineptitude of the outclassed men's basketball program of George Asshole Mason University, remember that no one will ever over rate the imbibing capacity of we Rockets Red. That is because we always drink ALL THE BEERS."

"And I'll fucking kill anyone who says otherwise," added team member Foglvy as he quaffed a liter of cold filtered brew.

The Rockets continued their warpath across town at Jay's, a local sozzlery of fortifying repute. Thousands of gallons more of elixir was then poured down their awaiting gullets.

"This is a woman's paradise!" exclaimed Rockette Tara-Beara, proving that binge drinking is not an exclusively masculine gratuity.

As such, the bonds of teamwork are sewn into the fabric of every Red heart - in all save psuedo member Femily Smell, that is.

"I have more important things to do than the drinking of beers. Like working, and studying, and shopping, and blah blah blah-" and those were the last words out of Femily's mouth before it was filled with molten lava that flowed from the magma pit in which she was tossed by her unrepentant former teammates.

The mood was thus summarized by professional pitcher crushing titan, Shaw McPane, "The motherfucking reason of our being is to bask in our supremacy. Our fucking supremacy! We will drink, and any fuck who dares say nay is fucking going to get fucking annihilated. Now everybody fucking drink right fucking now. I said fucking drink! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!"

The chant spirited the Rockets Red away as they monstrously guzzled the night into oblivion.

They also lost the first game of their Arlington County League flag football season 42-0.

J00 4r3 NO+ 1337 !ph jOO C@|\|N0T |2e4|) +|-|I5

2006-03-31T14:31:00.000-08:00

M4TTH3W: 0g13 is teh 133735t11111111, b0w t0 m3 n00bz0rz

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D4V1D: yU 9Uy5 4r3 80+h 105z0r5

4NDR3W: #3y Wi39e1, tH5i 1z j00: "What does thirteen thirty-seven mean?" HAH$H4H4h4h$H!!!!111!!1! PWN3D

M4TTH3W: 57ø1* 4(71/\/9 50 #19# 4/\/]) /\/\19#7¥ 1 P\/\/N20(r)2 j00!!1111!!11111!

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4NDR3W: '//3@< £337§¶34l{ π00l*20®2 ¿00 807# ¢4 /V 5(_)¢X0rZ ‡7 /'\'/ @55#013

M4TTH3W 4ND D4V1D: \/\/3 c0nc31+ d34f34+. U w1nz0rz.

Latino Protest

2006-03-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

One of the many demonstrations protesting the proposed immigration reform bills in Congress marched by my office window this morning. While I have no problem with the protests, per se, I do think some of the banner slogans, held by mainly Latino high school students, went a little too far. I saw for example:

"WE ARE NOT CRIMINALS"

"JUSTICE FOR IMMIGRANTS"

"SHIT ON CONGRESS"

"LATINOS > WOPS "

"HEY BUSH, YOU CAN BUILD A FENCE AROUND MY DICK RIGHT AFTER YOU SUCK IT, YOU FAGGOT."

NCAA Basketball Blog - Duke v. LSU

2006-03-23T18:22:00.000-08:00

- Misty Brady is really hot, her husbad's forehead - getting bigger daily.

- Greg Paulus really is a little queer, he did the right thing in choosing to play basketball at Duke, he fits in perfectly with the rest of the white nancy boys they have.

- LSU's cheerleader's are infinitely hotter than Duke's collection of un-hot Asians and nerds.

- This game would have been over long ago if LSU could make free throws, but the lead is now five. Great play by Big Baby - he missed the 2nd foul shot and grabbed his own rebound. Duke obviously just expected the refs to bail them out like them did in the first FSU game and the BC game, but these are not shitty ACC refs, and they don't but Coach K's crap.

- Watching Redick lose and suck in his last game makes me happy, also mitigates the sting of picking Duke in my office pool where I re-pick, I had LSU in my all the way through pool, which I am in the first in.

- My buddy Oglevy, who like Duke has not said shit for the last 5 minutes, typical baby Duke fan.

-Final Thoughts: JJ Redick is the Peyton Manning of basketball, might be a nice player with gaudy stats, but ultimately a loser. Actually, that is unfair to Peyton, JJ won't be shit in the pros, think Trajan Langdon or whatever other loser Dukie you want. Hee'll be lucky to be a poor man's John Paxson. The only thing that could have made this game better, besides me having the stones to stick with LSU, is a shot of some little Duke fan crying like after Maryland beat them in the ACC finals 2 years ago. Oh well, we can't have it all.

Addendum: Between the games they went back and did highlights from the game and they showed some chick crying after the game. Not as good as a 5 year old boy in a Duke hat, but it will work.

AQUA VELVA CHALLENGE: LOSER'S DINNER

2006-03-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

The AVC returns for a competition of gastronomic true depravity.

Loser's Dinner is a pathetic culinary tradition that originated during Metallica's early struggling period, when Lars Ulrich would brag about subsisting on "bologna-on-hand-sandwiches" which he called Loser's Lunch. It is a source of pride for the single, lame, ugly and destitute people who have neither the time, money nor dignity to bother to cook themselves a decent meal.

The goal of this AVC is to be the most loser by eating the worst dinners. A Loser's Dinner is judged by a single criterion: the worse the meal the greater the score. After 7 consecutive Loser's Dinners, whoever has eaten the most poorly is deemed the winner.

There are several difining characteristics of a Loser's Dinner and also many things that disqualify a meal from Loser's Dinner eligibility. Once Loser's Dinner status has been established, bonus points are awarded or subtracting for scoring purposes. The rules and points are meant to be flexible.

To be considered a Loser's Dinner, one's meal should:

- have as little nutritional value as possible.
- be eaten out of the box or otherwise have the absolute minimal preperations required.
- only be heated with a microwave. A stove or oven can never be used. A toaster can be used sparingly. A toaster oven is pushing it.
- come from a fast food restaurant only if all items are ordered from the value menu.
- never be served to you. If you have a waiter, it's not a Loser's Dinner.
- not be too tasty. If you're spening time making sure it tastes good then you're caring far too much.
- illicit pity from those who watch you eat.

Bonus points include but are not limited to:

+1 less than 3 food groups represented
-1 all 4 food groups present
+1 disposal silverware, plates and drinking vessals
+1 for each component that comes from a supermarket's generic brand
-1 for each item that comes from Whole Foods
+1 eating something frozen that is supposed to be heated (or at least thawed)
+1 leaving off condiments normally associated with a food (ex. dry toast)
-1 adding any seasoning, including salt
+1 eating in front of the television
+5 eating in front of a computer while playing World of Warcraft

Other rules and points should be welcomed amendments as long as they are in the spirit of the competition. And finally, as an immutable law, having your girlfriend prepare a meal gets you barred from the competition completely. Seriously, what are you trying to do, rub it in? Fucking jerk.

Butt Whole Foods

2006-03-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

As a primer to the forthcoming Aqua Velva Challange: Loser's Dinner, I present this remonstration of Whole Foods, scourge of the Loser's Dinner.

Tell me Butt Whole Foods, how does it taste? Does it taste like poop and pee in your mouth!?!

Check it out

2006-03-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/ers/143747136.html

PLAYER'S BALL

2006-03-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

THE DUCK HUNTS FOR HIS WORM

2006-03-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

Raymond Curto: DEAD

Eugene Pontecorvo: DEAD

Slobodan Milosevic: DEAD

Tony Soprano: ?????

2006-03-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

Put in the Pussy

Time to Cash In

2006-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Might as well use all that free pub from the Sean McGrane show to showcase some Aqua Velvan talent. Since the current spike in readership is populated undoubtedly by people who already heard the Olympic Pool Wrap Up broadcasted in REAL TIME, I'll just do a run down of the team final scores again, one last time, only this time enhanced by my PUMPED UP GIS SKILLZ!

6th place

5th place

4th place

3rd place

2nd place

1st PRIZE

And while we still have you here, how about a couple of samples from our 'best of' files...

"I was driving down Route 1, thinking about how fucking great my softball team is, when I saw a sign for Dick's Sporting Goods. Right after that I saw a sign for BJ's Wholesalers, and after that a sign for Siemen's Furniture Store. 'How amazing,' I thought, 'to see those three signs in a row.' And they were in the perfect order too: Dick's, BJ's and Seimen's. That makes sense right? Those stores should line up so that you have Dick's, then a BJ's and then Siemen's, right? Because it only makes sense if you have a Dick's coming before a BJ's. No, wait, maybe it should be the way around. Dick's should come after a BJ's and Siemen's just going all over the place. Right? Man I'm confused."

and we'll close with...

Hairy Pooter: and the Scocerer's Bone

Hairy had been living a normal life with humans until it is realized the scar on his left testicle means he is a master coxman capable of boning all the women in the world. He is wisked away by a bunch of naked flying babes who he then has sex with.

At the Hogballs Academy of Fucking, Hairy learnes to screw in positions he'd only dreamt of. He also learns to weild his magical dong bone with extraordinary passion.

Hairy's rivals, Vaginamort and Malfart, are vanquished when Hairy explodes their scrotums in a titanic match of Queefitch. Hairy celebrates by having a threesome with his friends, Hugemiones and Rod. The part of Rod is to be played by Tara Patrick.

OLYMPIC POOL FINAL STANDINGS

2006-02-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

Schlubens - 136
Basedows - 100
Asians - 96
Hammers - 90
Penguins - 82
Babies - 0

And it's the Uben Schlubens in a landslide!

Congratulations Slubbies and enjoy your chicken dinner. Detailed analysis to follow.

Day 13.5

2006-02-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

Cheaters - 114
Basedows - 86
Hammers - 80
Asians - 78
Penguins - 74
Babies - 0

Day 12

2006-02-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

The battle for 2nd place heats up as Apu make a move.

Nazis - 110
Normans - 73
Frogs - 73
Impiralists - 72
Commies - 61
Poopies - 0

Poor Form Schlubens

2006-02-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

Trash talk from Team Deutchland:

Mein Penis ist im ganzen Land am meisten höher. Meine Bälle sind rot, klumpig und herum. Ich werde meinen Weg mit allen Frauen im Olympischen Dorf haben, als die Spiele beendet werden. Ich werde meinen Samen in jeder Kluft von Turino ausbreiten. Ja, Ja, Ja. Scheißen Sie oh! [My Penis is higher in the whole country at most. My balls are red, clotted and around. I will have mine way with all women in the olympic village, when the plays are terminated. I will spread my seeds in each gap of Turino. Yes, shitting it oh!]

Day 11

2006-02-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

In the words of Tim Duncan, this 'competition' is now "basically retarded".

Krauts - 102
Vikings - 64
Yanks - 64
Guidos - 60
Canucks - 58
Assholes - 0

Day 10 Update

2006-02-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

What the fuck!? One weekend of laspsed coverage and it turns into a runway?!

Well, I guess it's true what they say: you'll never go wrong with the German's on your side.

Schlubens 92
Hammers 62
Basedows 59
Asians 58
Penguins 56
Babies 0

Day 7

2006-02-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

Slow day for medals so lets take the time to review the constiuent nations of our great teams (except for JB's, his team is abominable)

1)Schlubens - 53
Germany
Austria
Netherlands
Spain
Australia
Ukraine
Slovakia
Turkey
DPR Korea
Venezuela
Argentina
Albania
Brazil
Kyrgyzstan

2)Hammers - 50
Norway
Sweden
China
Denmark
Estonia
Belgium
Latvia
Lithuania
Serbia-Mont.
Macedonia
New Zealand
Georgia
Ethiopia
Chile

3)Basedows - 46
United States
Switzerland
Finland
Great Britain
Poland
Kazakhstan
Romania
South Africa
Iran
Israel
Ireland
Armenia
Nepal
Kenya

4)Penguins - 38
Italy
Russia
Czech Rep.
Croatia
Belarus
Slovenia
Bosn.-Herz.
Mongolia
Hungary
Uzbekistan
Luxembourg
Portugal
San Marino
Liechtenstein

5)Asians - 35
Canada
France
Korea Rep.
Japan
Bulgaria
Iceland
Greece
Hong Kong
Azerbaijan
India
Chinese Taipei
Pakistan
Thailand
Lebanon

6)Babies - 0
Madagascar
Andorra
Bermuda
Algeria
Mexico
Peru
Monaco
Senegal
Tajikistan
Morocco
Virgin Islands
Moldova
Cyprus
Vatican City

Norwegians rule the universe

2006-02-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

look how great norwegians are despite the adversity they are facing in stupid italy.

Great Just Fucking Great

2006-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

I'm actually losing points today. Fucking Commie Whore.

Day5

2006-02-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

1) Slayer of Cady Heron - 39 norwegian team got the bird flu
1) Essen Meine Scheisser - 39 homoerotic double luge domination
3) Flipperhands - 30 - waiting for male figure skating glory
4) Total Body Workout - 29 Bode Miller still sucks
5) Ping Pang Joe's Eggrolls - 19 never recovered from WWII
6) Junior Leauge - 0 absolutely embarassing

An Interesting Question

2006-02-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

Below is a link to story concerning NY Jets quarterback Chad "I Tore My Labrum Not Once, but Twice While Giving Dudes Reach-Arounds" Pennington. In the interests of summarizing and not posting copyrighted material, I will summarize:

The Jets would like Chad to renegotiate his contract because a) He sucks and has not won shit, and; b) he throws like a girl due to the above-mentioned shoulder issues.

Normally I could not give two fucks about Chad and the Jets, but I am interested in seeing whom the Jets fans side with when Chad does not want to take a pay cut. Why, you ask, simple, most Jets fans are both queer and union workers, although the two are certainly not mutually exclusive. And I seem to recall over the holiday season these same Jets fans wanted to continue to be over-paid for work that was not being done at a very high level. Some (see Vidosh, Paul) and workers of his ilk even went on strike, hurting millions of hard working Americans*, and those Jets fans who did not stike, supported those who did. So my question is this: Will those same Jets fans support the continued over-paying of someone who does an at best mediocre job and earns wages he does not deserve, or will they prove to be the hypocrites I think they are and turn on Chad?

*Note - These hard-working Americans were most likely Giants fans.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/5331514

Day 4

2006-02-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

The scores as read by Italiophile Dick Ebersol:

1) Il Martello di Isebella Lohan - 35
2) Pinguinos - 29
3) I Peni Supremi - 28
4) Olympico Associazione di Giovanni Basedow - 24
5) Signori Gialli - 16.
6) Bambino Piccolo - 0

Day 3 Olympic Pool Update

2006-02-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

February 13, 2006
Turin, Italy

After 3 days of riviting action at the Games of the XX Winter Olympiad, the race for the chicken dinner couldn't be off to a more exciting start.

The leaderboard is topped by the Margravate of the Penguin with 23 points, followed by The Hammer of Thor/Lindsay Lohan who have 21 points. The John Basedow Olympic Club is in the middle of the pack with 20 points. Staying close to the leaders is Der Uben Schlubens who are keeping their Tuentonic Tide rolling with 18 points. Team Dominasia is further back with 14, while JB's Little Baby Squad is at the botom with a pitiful 0 points.

The Penguins were boasted by a stong Day 3 preformance by the Russians and the Hammers managed to stay close with a suprising showing from their Baltic contingent, who were not expected to be much of a force at these games. The JBOC must be a little nervous despite 4 gold from their Americans, as several of the USA's top athletes of recently succombed to injuries before their event finals. And while Team Dominasia are not dominating anything at the moment, there are still many events yet to be contested here in Turin. That really doesn't matter for the Baby Squad, however, as they are a pathetic bunch of losers and should honestly leave the sporting events to those who actually know what they are doing.

2006-02-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

The Emu says that this story like el pato is sad and pointless. Go Jets

The third and final part of the tale of two brothers*

2006-02-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

at the wedding between Beaueua and the Veronica the fatty fat tone, Jonas, Baeoau's brother cried because it was so nice. The buffet was also spectacular and Bo feasted on a triple decker frito pie while getting a smooth handy from his new bride under the table.

after the honeymoon, during which bo's knob was schlobbed countless times, bo and jonas met up for a beer.

at the bar, bo thanked jonas for helping him realize that Caroline was an annoying puta and that his destiny lied with Vartronica of the fatlands. he was so happy that he gave jonas thousands of his own dollars to go visit Evelyn in Alabama again.

Joans thanked him and then left to call Evelyn and say he was coming down to visit her. Jonas made it clear during the phone conversation, though, that he was only coming to alabama to get some serious bonage. full penetration was the least he would accept. just trying the tip would not cut it.

Evelyn acquiesed and Jonas flew down. He exploded in her for many many times. it was a sexytime conflagaration.

Evelyn, of course, fell fast in love and begged Joans to marry her. Jonas thought about for a while and finally decided to instead fufill his life long dream and started a space colony. Evelyn was demoralized and turned into a lesbian.

The End

*If at any time in the future a part 4 or larger number part is written in this series, that part should be considered apocraphyl and not part of the cannon. also the person would try to commuit such a libelous act is also someone who probably collects ziplock bags filled with his own farts.

Ask and You Shall Receive

2006-02-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

Per Bobby's Request, Some More Appropriate Names for New Jersey:

-IROCistan
-Long Island's Half-Tard Cousin
-Philly & NYC Fingercuffs
-Land Where Bon Jovi is Still Relevant

part 2

2006-02-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

months later Bo and Jonas we talking.

Bo: hey i'm still pissed about what you said about that fat bitch i plowed.

jo: i know, you bring it up every 5 fucking seconds.

bo: thats because i want you to feel responsible for me not boning that other girl, whats her face.

jo: oh, so you admit that it actually was not big deal and you just keep bringing it up because you sniff buttholes for fun?

bo: i do sniff buttholes. and of course its not a big deal. theres no way in hell what you said had any effect on me and whatsherface's relationship. also i boned that fat bitch because secretly i love her and i want to have like 10 thousand of her babies.

jo: i knew she was perfect for you. why dont you get married?

thats is when bo flashed his hand and showed off a ring. "i bought one for that fatty as well," bo said.

"but bo, that is an onion ring," said jo.

"do you forget that we are both fatty fatty fat fats?" reminded bo.

"oh yeah," jo said.

and bo and jo remained brothers thru out time and space.

Brothers in Arms, A Short Story

2006-02-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: The Following is a work of fiction, any likeness to actual persons is purely coincidental and an accident.

Jonas and Beau were brothers, born two years apart is the mid-1980's, they were the sons of good stock, and as close as most brothers can expect to be. Jonas, the older of the two, entered a typical small town Alabama in the fall of 1998. A good athlete he made many friends quickly on the JV football team, and in school in general. Around the winter of his freshmen year, Jonas fell hard for an attractive young girl in his class. Evelyn was a cheerleader, and cosequently, she ran in the same crowd as Jonas - the football, cheerleading, kings of the school crowd, that still prevails in simple places like Alabama.

Unfortunately for Jonas, Evelyn was dating Max,a wide receiver on the football team. Though not as smart or funny as Jonas, Max seemed to have some type of hold on Evelyn. The fact that they ran with the same crowd was particularly hard on Jonas, as he often had to hang out at parties with the two of them. And when Jonas would go to see Evelyn in her cheeleading competitions, always as "friends" of course, he would more often than not sit and converse with Max, and the other members of the football team who were fortunate enough to have girlfriends. Outwardly Jonas was nice and friendly towards Max, who being the usual simple Alabaman, was too slow to see that underneath Jonas burned with raw hatred for him.

Beau, still a seventh grader when his brother entered high school, was also a popular, smart athletic youth. Very quick on the uptake, Beau was able to see how deeply it hurt his brother to not have his affections for Evelyn returned. Anytime he would bring it up to Jonas, either in private or in the context of a group conversation, Jonas would bristle and tell Beau to shut the fuck up. Eventually Beau gave up trying to help his brother see the light, and instead make fun of what a pathetic, fake son of a bitch his brother was around Evelyn. This too resulted in frequent "Shut the fuck ups" and the occasional physical confrontation.

In the fall of 2000, Beau entered Paul "Bear" Bryant Memorial High School, where Jonas was now a junior, and still deeply in love with Evelyn. Even though he would infrequently hook up with random chicks, of varying physical appearance, the worst kept secret in the school was Jonas' unrequited love for Evelyn. Making the varsity football team as a freshmen, Beau was immediately thrown in with the "kings of the school" crowd. As the lone freshmen on the football team, Beau was forced to drink copius amounts of booze at post-game parties, and as a result often hooked up with the fat upperclassmen chicks who were desperate to be filled by a varsity football players, but whom none of the upperclassmen would touch with a 10 foot pole. Though ashamed of some of his so-called "conquests", Beau generally laughed it off when his classmates would rib him about it, and would then smarlty point out that he was getting felated while his fellow freshmen were getting nothing but rashes on their cocks from all the dry riding they did. Still, high school life was good for both of the brothers.

During the summer of 2001, the boys father, Patrick, was transferred to Michigan as a result of a General Motors plant closings. As a manager Patrick was still needed by the company, but could not stay in Alabama and keep his job, so the family moved to Michigan. The move was especially hard on Jonas. One of the smarter kids at his school in Alabama, he was now looked upon as a dullard. While most of his classmates were taking AP classes, he was placed in junior level classes. Worse still, even though he was a stater on the football team, people laughed at him when he wore his letterman's jacket. When he tried to make a joke, mostly by quoting some 5 or 6 year old movie, people would laugh at him, not with him.

The biggest problem of all, of course, was that he was far, far away from his beloved Evelyn. He would often email her and then not here back from her for days, and then when she would write back, he would become excited and giddy like a school girl. Beau was disgusted by this behavior, especially when waiting to use the family computer to jerk off, but by this time he knew better than to say anything.

Unlike his brother, Beau faired well in Michigan, he was smart and clever in any state, and excelled in school and at making friends. Soon after starting school, Beau fell hard for one of his female classmates, Caroline. Caroline was very hot, and unlike most girls, Beau found it very easy to talk to. Although they occasionally hung out, Beau soon discovered that Caroline had a boyfriend named Ray at another school. Though he talked to Caroline every day and frequently hung out with Ray and Caroline, he, like his brother before him, burned with a deep rage for Ray.

For all his success in Michigan, Beau fell once again fell victim to his biggest vice and temptation, fat chicks, or more accurately, the combination of fat chicks and alcohol. The situation was similar to the one in Alabama, Beau would get drunk as shit at parties and then hook up with the fat chicks left waddling around the party at the end of the night. Unlike in Alabama, however, Beau wished for these moments of weakness to be kept quiet, especially around Caroline, for fear she might not look kindly upon him or his activities.

Then, one Monday morning in February, after a particularly drunken weekend, during which he had slipped and hooked up with a fat chick whom he had also hooked up with the first weekend of the school year, Beau walked into school, oblivious to the truck that was about to hit him. Walking with Jonas down the main hallway to his locker, Caroline came up to him and asked him how his weekend was. Preferring not to divulge what really had happened, Beau casually answered, "you know got real fucked up, passed out on the floor, woke up Saturday morning wanting to kill myself, nothing big."

"Cool," she replied, "anything else cool happpen?"

"Not really, just gave my dog a bath on Sunday afternoon"

"Yeah, and you stuffed Veronica," Jonas blurted out.

Shocked at his brother's insensitivity and stupidity, Beau first reaction was to punch Jonas right in his big head. He held back, however, knowing that it would like he had feelings for Caroline if he did. Quickly regaining his compusure, Beau calmly responded.

"No, shit head, that was over labor day weekend, one time moment of weakness."

"Liar," Jonas continued right on digging the hole, "I was looking for a bed Friday and walked in on you while you were mid-thrust."

Knowing that Jonas was too much of a retard to figure out what he was doing, Beau cut his losses.

"Yeah, well bad things happen to good people, and its not like I even knew my name at that point." He then walked to his first class.

Seething all day, Beau rode home with Jonas after lifting for football.

"Why did you do that?" Beau asked incrediously,

"Do what?

"Tell Caroline about me and Veronica"

"That, it's not like that was big deal"

"It is a big fucking deal, I asked you not to tell her one thing, one thing only, I don't care if she knows about the dipping, the sereal masturbating, whatever, just not that ONE THING."

"Whatever man," Jonas responded, his mind diverted my a sweet IROC passing them.

"Fuck off dude, it was bad enough that you told her, but then you fuck it up more when I tried to cover my ass. All that time I kept my mouth shut about Evelyn, especially up here, where you were trying to find new chicks to bone, and then you go and do this. You're a fucking prick. By the way, have fun going to Alabama to hang with Evelyn this weekend, faggot."

EPILOGUE:
Jonas did go to Alabama the following weekend. She had since broken up with Max, so he figured he had a chance. He hung out at that Winter Dance with Evelyn and watched her dance with a bunch of other dudes. That night he cried himself to sleep.

THE END

how to get 1.4 billion people ot hate you with the clock of a button

2006-02-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

click here

Citius, Altius, Fartius

2006-02-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

5 titans of the sports gambling industry have decided to bet on the 2006 Winter Olympics. Each person will be represented by 14 nations and each person wins points based on how many medals their countries win. 3 points for gold, 2 for silver and 1 for bronze. The winner will receive $100 cold hard cash and a chicken dinner.

The teams are:
The Hammer of Thor*
The John Basedow Olympic Club
Der Uben Schlubens
Dominasia
The March of the Penguin**

Updates to follow.

*'Thor' represents Lindsay Lohan, implying Spae's team is the one who hammers her.
**The March refers not to an ambulatory cadence but to a territorial buffer zone, specificallyVeedner's belly.

DO I STAND TESTICLED ALONE AMONGST A SEA OF THE VAGINA'ED?

2006-01-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

Whats the matter boizos, nothing to say about the quality of our nation's greatest state, New Jerusalem? I thought I was dealing with men here, not puss pusses. Fell free to fight back whenever your balls descend.