The AQUA VELVA Year End Review

2005 was another pathetic year for the Aqua Velvans. Lets refelect on some of the lowlights.

- Aqua Velva reunites for new years 2005 in NYC. They all dance the night away with greasetrucks and FLIDs. The rest of the year is all down hill.

- 2/3 thirds of A.V. move into a 3-level bungolow in Arlington, VA. They are joined by some little baby with a proclivity for KY Jelly. Vidosh is the only one still living at home with his parents like a jerk.

- Vidosh puts on 30 pounds and goes out on a date with his mom.

- Splay and Veedner over pay for a gym membership and then never go because they are lazy. Neither have been on a date since high school.

- Veedner gets a job in DC and spends all of his lunch hours hanging out with Colin Bracis.

- Splay played in no less then 3 softball teams during the year, and on none of them was he considered "good".

- Vidosh starts teaching middle school in Brooklyn. His lesson plans include drinking 2 bottles of robotussin and reading japanese fetish porn magazines.

- All 3 Aqua Velvans had a lot of sex in '05, however these numbers were artificially inflated by including into the count sex with yourself.

- In anticipation of the year 2006, Splay secured a metal hook into the ceiling and bought everyone a length of rope.

Let's Look At Some Facts

1. SPLAY HAS OBSESSED ABOUT MANY GIRLS AND ONE GIRL IN PARTICULAR. VITOE THE FAT HAS DO SO AS WELL. WHILE VITOE HAS TAKEN HAS REJECTIONS LIKE A MAN, SPLAY WALLOWS IN DELUSION AND SELF-PITY.

2. ONE OF THE OBJECTS OF VITOE'S LONGING ACTUALLY VISITED HIM AND GAVE HIM A MULTITUDE OF HUGS AND ACTUALLY FED HIM PANCAKES. SHE THEN PROCEEDED TO TELL HIM HOW SHE STILL WANTED TO MARRY THIS DICKWEED IN FLORIDA. FUCK YOU AKEMI. SPLAY JUST BUYS ROUND TRIP TICKETS TO A CITY AT THE SOUTHERN MOST REGION OF FLORIDA AND SLEEPS, WETS AND WEEPS ON COUCHES.

3. STUPID NIP CUNT WHO WOULDN'T FUCK THE EMU HAS SENT BIRTHDAY CARDS (BTW I DID FUCK "TOMO"). SPLAY'S OBJECT OF WORSHIP = NO BIRTHDAY CARDS.

4. FUCK THIS SHIT-BROS BEFORE HOES. THE AQUA VELVA TRIUMVIRATE IS UNBREAKABLE. DUCK + EMU + PENGUIN (AFTER HE'S EATEN AND RESTED THE REQUIRED 30 HOURS IN ANARTIC TEMPERATURES)= BEST NEW YEAR'S PARTY AROUND.

5. FUCK JP AND FUCK GEOGRE W. BUSH AND I WANNA BONE THE MOTHER OF THIS PR STUDENT OF MINE AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO HAVE MS. MARTE SIT ON MY FACE.

6- I JUST DOWNLOADED SOME SWEET JAPANESE FETISH PORN.

STOP MENTIONING PEOPLE BY NAME MORON

if you can cleverly imply an insult involving a real person WITHOUT naming them then go ahead, otherswise, WISE UP, JACKASS.

stop being so fucking sensitive about unions.

ever hear of subtle implications, vidosh?

Here's To John Abraham's Separating This Motherfucker's Shoulder

I FUCKING HATE THIS GUY. FUCK HIM AND HIS GAY COMMERCIALS AND HIS STUPID FUCKING MASSHOLE FANS. FUCK BOSTON. FUCK NEW ENGLAND IN GENERAL. WHY DID THE NEW ENGLANDER CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE HIS DICK WAS STUCK IN A PURPLE COW.

CIVIL SERVANTS WHO ARE NEITHER CIVIL NOR SERVANTS

The Transport Workers Union are a bunch of greedy, lazy assholes trying to fuck over innocent hardworking New York taxpayers.

Here are some facts:

1) Striking by municipal workers in the state of New York is ILLEGAL

2) The Union wants 8% pay raises for EACH of the next 3 years

3) The average transit worker already makes thousands more than the average New Yorker

4) Transit workers make more than fireman and policemen

5) The Union is not seeking more money from a private corporation, but FROM THEIR FELLOW TAXPAYERS

6) The Union has NO SUPPORT from ANY OTHER UNION

7) The Union is fighting for a retirement age of 50

8) Far too many transit workers have greasy dago moustaches

Perhaps the only 'noble' purpose of a union is to stop a for-profit private company from exploting a disenfranchised work force. This situation contains none of those elements. Transit workers already earn more wages and benefits than they would given the market value of labor. If the Union ceased to exsist and all transit workers took pay cuts, no private interests would be made any richer.

I won't get into any specifics about who dad is or is not in a union that supports said strike, suffice to say some people just come from better stock than others.

GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY PIECES OF UNION SHIT

My back is sore today from playing foosball. I also hurt my hand celebrating a victory.

I suck.

Mr. Vitta Returns to Japan in April 2006 

Eats too much

W&L Superstar and Scourge of the Pole House, the Ritalin Monster, as been spotted making a comeback of sorts in the New York City area. Click here for photos of the alleged event.

Beers and Tacos

No cartoon has ever made me as horny as this one

I Suck

Last night for dinner I had a Tyson's Hungry Man microwavable salisbury steak. I ate the dessert portion first.

I suck.

Two Great Things in Life

Once apon a time, there were two idiots. One was a big idiot, and the other was a little idiot, meaning one was physically large and the other very tiny. They both shared the same extreme level of incompetence.

One day, a former friend was forced murder both of them because they failed to learn the two great things in life as explained by Jimmy Conway in the film Goodfellas:

1) Never rat on your friends
2) Always keep your mouth shut

Sic Semper Ignoramus